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Trump in Beverly Hills

Donald Trump
Stormy Daniels

Setting: A suite in the Beverly Hills Hotel

Time: 2006

Act Two

Fiction Page 1

Book Review Page 1

Essays 1

The Blog Bog

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Act One

Act Two

Act One

Act Two

Act One

Act Two

               Trump in Beverly Hills 

                         A Play
                             by Matthew Paris 

                    Act One
     (Enter Donald Trump. He sings.)

          Trump's Credo 

When I drive it's in a Cadillac car
When I make love it's with a porno star 
When I eat it's a triple big whopper
Diet coke for the proper topper.
I'm a businessman with shadowy credit 
I want to know what I get when I get it. 

I look for a model when I want a lover
Some Bunny in Centerfold 
I don't want ever to discover 
She's ugly or looks too old. 

I watch lots of game shows you see on the tubes 
Maybe this crap is for morons and boobs.
When you sit in a chair you can get hog fat.  
Still I say to myself: hey, I can do that. 
I'm a businessman with shadowy credit 
I want to know what I get when I get it. 

I think it's funny that women want money; 
What the hell can a fat wad do? 
You don't know your friends while your lover spends
More of your money than you. 

Real estate, boys, is whatever is real 
We can make a hellova deal;
My checks might be a little short. 
I might be lying; see you in court. 
I'm a businessman with shadowy credit 
I want to know what I get when I get it. 

    (He turns on the television set, One hears sounds of a
National Geographic documentary on sharks. 
    A bell rings. Donald opens the door. Enter Stormy Daniels.) 

Honey, you look great. 

Stormy- Just great? No surprises? 

Donald- all right. You look even better live than you did in your
porno movies. 

Stormy- You've seen them? 

Donald- Most of them. I have a collection of them. 

Stormy- You can afford to have them all, even the hard core
loops.. My films are just the way I advertise. (She sings.)

              Porno Women

Your wife may tell you she's tired.
She pops ups not to feel that down.
She's never all that inspired.
Your girlfriend is out of town.
Street fare might be a danger 
Given where you want to go. 
Whenever you look for a stranger 
A porno star never says no.

You can try Las Vegas, Havana
Hang around dumps in Pigalle 
For the usual weird arcana 
You get on the cheap in Nepal.
You might be a little bit picky 
Whenever your commerce is slow;
Whenever you look for a quickie
A porno star never says no. 

Whatever you call a passion
No matter how foul or low
Below any taste or fashion:
A porno star never says no.

Laughed at by Helen and Ellen 
Dismissed by Eileen and Elaine 
You might be a bum and a felon
You could be a fool or insane 
Lacking in looks, dressed in tatters
It's time to look up a pro.
In intimate amorous matters
A porno star never says no. 

You invited me to your apartment at the Beverley Hills Hotel; I
was in town and I'm here, Donald. That was damned simple enough,

Donald- Nothing is all that clear with us. Take this shark
documentary I'm watching on television right now. 

Stormy- I don't watch television too much, Donald. Usually I'm
too busy. 

Donald- This program is interesting. It's about sharks. They're
the perfect animal, really. They not only don't have an inner
life; they don't pretend to have one. They're all surface. With a
shark what you see is all you need to know about them.

Stormy- If they had a chance to think it over do you think they'd
try something else besides being sharks? They could be minnows or

Donald- We'll never know. Sharks don't have those unpleasant

Stormy- You wouldn't like to be a shark rather than a human being
though, Donald. They hunt in packs sometimes. They have a rough
equality, I think. No shark feels any better than any other

Donald- We'll never know. They might have more vanity in them
than we could ever guess. They make not their choices to be
sharks but they are sharks, good sharks; they spend their lives
being something like sharks till something or somebody kills
them. Whether they have a wider choice than that even National
Geographic documentaries don't know, kid.

Stormy- You like them. You think we might be more like sharks
than we would like to admit. It s an amusing idea, Donald. You
might be wrong. 

Donald- Look, you're twenty seven; I'm sixty one. I'm old enough
to remember another world you never knew that came and want a
hellova long time ago. You were spared all that nightmare though
you may live to be in one you wish you never survived long enough
to get to know all that well. 

Stormy- You mean I can outlive this world? I can't wait.

Donald- You don't like it? Be patient. You'll get another one.
When my grandfather came over here from german ABCs he was not so
politely kicked out of Bavaria the world was a very different
place. When my father took over his real estate business my
grandfather founded people were mostly broke. Being out of pocket
was normal, ordinary. 

Stormy- I guess I've missed a lot of days people were happy to
see go into the toilet. 

Donald- You bet you have, honey. You've heard about the Great
Depression. Nobody thought of running an empire, mortgager,
credit, big debt. It was hard on realtors, kid. Their tenants too
three month rents in dumps and disappeared into the night.
Luckily for us now it's not so easy to vanish.  

Stormy- The world does better with people like me nowadays. I
don't slink into the night. I have nothing to hide. I haven been
hiding anything much either. 

Donald- Don't I know it! 

Stormy- Of course I might be very discreet about what nobody is
looking for, nobody values. You think we're more like sharks now
than we used to be. That could be good for America. Sharks, even
incompetent sharks, are always going to be with us. 

Donald- Treble is, we aren't sharks. We might be very bad
imitation sharks. Of course there are worse things than being a
simple hungry fish. Barracudas are doing okay. One doesn't want
to be eaten by any of them if somebody is doing the heavy eating. 

Stormy- Well, might that the choice if we're swimming in the sea,
to be lunch or be having lunch. 

Donald- Yeah. As soon as we got into empire in America and paper
money it got to be a lot like that, I'm afraid. It's built into
having a buck or two. Once you get two levels about the bottom
people tend to be very damned predatory. 
    Once there is enough for an army of even fake sharks to eat
they get greedy. They might miss out on a morsel or two of some
sweet fish. 

Stormy- Maybe even sharks get tired of eating. It's aa very
narrow enthusiasm.

Donald- Sometimes it's not even something to get excited about.

Stormy- You think you're a prime shark? 

Donald- No. Other people think I am. I know that. I never thought
I was anything at all. Somebody says to me, you must be a porker
at state fair, a shark, or a wild sheep. It's a small range of
    Frankly, none of them describe me.  

Stormy- You're more friendly than a whole lot of killer fish with
a lot of sharp teeth.

Donald- Yeah, I've learnt to be cordial. I was born with money;
that didn't help. I could do things for people; that sunk me at
least more than once. Still I was better off being the courtier
to somebody who could do me a few favors. That's it, Stormy.
We're given two choices, both of them not so good; when we pick
one of the two we think we're free.

Stormy- Too bad there are only two of them.  

Donald- Whoever made those two choices might not be all that much
far from his own dilemma either. I've met them. They aren't
philosophers. They're German bankers, Mafia chiefs, television
    They give you a chance to take the lady or the tiger as the
Roman warrior did in the famous story. You know it? 

Stormy- Yeah, of course. I read it in high school. I would have
written it differently though. No matter what door the gladiator
opens he faces some kind of tiger. There's all kinds of tigers.
You aren't afraid I'm going to blackmail you or ever hit on you
for money?

Donald- Everybody does that. I gave them wads of paper. I've got
more of it than I know what Tao do with. If all you want form me
is money I can give you lots of that. If you want a break into
legit show busies I might be able to a arrange some of that too
on my reality show. 
    Maybe you want some front cash to make a personal erotic
movie your way; I can provide that easily enough. What way do you
think I might be vulnerable to you if you made a move to slash my
throat, Stormy? Try it; see what happens. 

Stormy- I don't want ever to injure you. I'm doing what I'm doing
so I never have to think about what anybody else can do for me. I
wasn't born with a thick wad but I learned very quickly how to
get one. I'm freed to do anything that money can buy with mph own

Donald- You remind me of my daughter. You say what you think. I
like that it women if not that often in men. Still the guy that
puts those two tigers in the other side of the door may be
looking at two dollars himself and wondering which one to open.

Stormy- It's too complex for me. I'd rather have a tinkertoy
private life.  

Donald- Hey, I don't like it; nothing with me is simple, baby. My
father Fred told me when you're out on the street you're free and
invisible; when you've got a buck or two like him or me you've
got to be more careful.

Stormy- You like what you saw though.

Donald- Well, not entirely. Still I wanted to be the one with you
in the sack. I wasn't. That of course can be remedied. 

Stormy- You should watch a porno movie. It's just a film. You
want more personal attention. 

Donald- I usually get it. I know a lot of Playboy bunnies. They
come to Chicago to get interested in people like me. They don't
want to be stenographers. If I away what I like in the Centerfold
I find out their number from the Playboy staff and call them up. 

Stormy- I hope they don't disappoint you. 

Donald- How can they? I know what I'm getting. I know what I am
too. I'm a john. I'm not looking for passion. I'm not ambitious.
What could go wrong?

Stormy- Really, Donald, do you think you're all that cautious?
You like a whole lot of attention, honey. Otherwise with your
kind of heavy money you'd be more than invisible. The world is
filled with minor barracudas. When you've got nothing or almost
nothing you can afford to be loud like a tropical parrot. 
    Maybe you aren't rich enough. I know this Chicago dream
world top and bottom, honey. Believe me, if you were really rich
and powerful enough I never would have heard of you.

Donald- Well, I never said I was that scrupulously careful. You
can't be, Stormy, not in life, even with a fat wad of money. If
you are always on defense the sons of bitches out there score on
you one day if not another.  
    I saw them crawl over my father Fred and my poor dead
brother early on. You've got to take a few chances. I took at
least a couple of them. 

Stormy- You're still here Donald. You must have survived some
long shots.

Donald- So did you. I'll bet your mother didn't want you to be a
porn star. 

Stormy- Who knows? Maybe she thought of me as a court appointed
lawyer for the poor. 

Donald- You could be anybody's advocate. I'm sure you give good

Stormy- Maybe my mother was happy I wasn't laving off her food
stamps. She didn't give me any guidance to the camera or the
bedroom. Maybe she didn't some advice herself from experts.
Neither did my father. They were divorced and couldn't stand each
    At least that's what they said. You wondered why they ever
got together. Maybe they turned out the lights.  

Donald- Who know? I'm not sure I ever wanted to be in the re
state business. Luckily it turned out to be the most virtuous
profession I could have chosen; that's really just an accident. 

Story- Really? I never taught of most real estate as all that

Donald- yeah, most people think we're sleazeball con artists.
We're on step above lawyers. Yet they all use us often enough
anytime they want to get out of the rain top a dry place. Maybe
we're somewhere between martyrs and roof makers.

Stormy- How do you figure that? 

Donald- Well, most people after having a home would rather live
very unobtrusively in a hotel. When they have a home they usually
have a mortgage. They might even have a wife they have to live
with offering the same minimal lovemaking like cold stale
spaghetti. They might have to change a few diapers in the middle
of the night. They usually have to shovel a bit of snow or pay
some crook to figure out how to put a tiny patch on a leaky roof. 
    When you live in a hotel everything is taken care of for
you. Nobody asks you any questions you don't want to answer. 

Story- This is one. 

Donald- It's a good one. You could wall in the indifference of
people ere. You've got a quiet hotel clerk in the lobby, somebody
from Latin America changing the sheets, a few whores on other
floors working a light hustle, the bar downstairs with excellent
room service; if you can vomit on the carpet if you drink too
much you never have to clean the rug. That's not a bad deal, is 

Stormy- Hey, if you feel lousy you can call in the whores or
watch television. Maybe both. 

Donald- You don't have a car. You never have to fork up car
payments to anybody; you don't go anywhere. Apiary never on the
long commute. If you've got to leave the palace you take a cab.
All you need to get into the hotel like this one is a sign that
you are flush with a few stray bucks. 
    That's all America wants from you, Stormy: money. Top,
middle, bottom, they don't care what you do or, don't do or
think, they don't even bother to remember your name a lot of
times. They don't really care what your name is. 

Stormy- That's good. I ails give the wrong one. 

Donald- You can give them the right one. You can say you're God.
What you might have in the way of opinions or whether you sleep
with the local sluts working the rooms day and night. That's
freedom. It's not perfect; it's the best we can get in this

Stormy- Maybe you're right. Of course I've got that peace and
quiet myself without a hotel. These days I'm living by myself in
a Dallas suburb. I walk around the local shopping malls with dark
glasses and loose clothes. Nobody blinks and cease know her, she
was on the porno film I watched last night. I'm nearly invisible
when I buy the milk shakes and kiwi fruit.

Donald- It's not as good as a hotel. You have to pay taxes to be
in your suburbs at all; you probably owe some heavy cash right
now to a bank, the sharks in your town know who you are; after
they hear what you have to say or how you look, they might not
even like you. 

Stormy- That's all happened to me. I survive it. 

Donald- Believe me, everybody in the world wants to live in a
hotel, even a decrepit one. That's why I give them a good one.
I've got hotels in the Mideast, Russia, and Ireland. Terrorists
kill each other to be my patrons. They murder to get the royal
    I might be building one soon in China. They like blondes and
rugs on the floor. If this government ever decides to colonize
Mars I'll put one on that plaint too. Maybe they'll be nothing
but hotels on Mars. Why the hell should anyone want to live in a
home? It's too boring and also very dangerous. 

Stormy- Your Martian hotels will give the aliens a lot of jobs to
the people running them. That's if any dumb aliens want those

Donald- Yeah. We don't want to he aliens too wealthy. Let haem
get on Food Stamps too. Of course it's not that a hotel is so
good, Stormy; it's that domestic life these days is the pits.
You've got your lousy choices like the lady and the tiger.
Sometimes a frumpy lady can be better than a decrepit but hungry
big cat.

Stormy- the tiger only kills you. The lady may rob you legally
and put you in debt, You might wish one day you'd have picked the

Donald- Not if you live in one of my hotels. Nobody serving a
subpoena gets past the hotel clerk. 

Stormy- Donald, you've got a vision. It's amazing you're not a
politicians running for something. Maybe America should be one
big hotel. 

Donald- Maybe it is.

Stormy- With ideas like yours, you should run for President.

Donald- I'm glad you said that, Stormy. Oddly, I am thinking of
doing just that. They've ben electing layers and generals or guys
names Bush far too long in Washington. What if anything dodos a
lawyer give you after a season in the courts? Nothing. He and the
lawyers on the other side split what they steal from you. They're
all in cahoots; I don't blame them. 
    This run of Bushes are working for China. What do they get
from China? Noodles. If they're gourmets sometimes its spinach
noodles and puppy meat.  

Stormy- Maybe America needs a general. They don't steal as much
as lawyers.  

Donald- A general might take you into a stupid war; they know
more sometimes about war than peace. Peace is good for business.
In fact you can occupy any third world dump in epact without an
army. Just give them a cushy job and then threaten them with
      A real estate guy will at least make sure you have a room
with a cot somewhere. They're morally a league above generals.

Stormy- Maybe I should have gone into real estate rather than

Donald- You might run for President yourself. From a whorehouse
to the Whiner House. That'll be your slogan. 

Stormy- I don't want to lie to anybody. I never worked in a
brothel. A porno star is always transparent. 

Donald- We do what we can fumbling in the dark. I didn't choose
to be in real estate; I was born into it. The real decisions were
made for me by people who made the number of choices I had when I
took them up and asked myself what the hell are the alternatives.
Is it the usual lawyers and generals? People are fed up with both
of them. 

Stormy- You're serious. You'd like to be in the White House.

Donald- I'd rather be there than put up with a lot of other
people making it even their temporary residence. I used to think
being at the top means being rich, very rich. 
    Still you sill have to bribe somebody with power who has an
aery if you don't have your own private legions. Even with my
pretty substantial bundle I've got two friends I cant cross: my
broker and the African army.  

Stormy- I guess you don't think too much of Obama as a
Presidential candidate in a couple of years. He's not a general
but he's a lawyer.

Donald- He's a hustler. I don't think he was born in America or
even on this planet but he's more of a lawyer than a lot of
American counselors, kid. He seems to some creeps like the
messiah; he does nothing. 
    Maybe that's what the messiah does. The son of a bitch
presides over things. He opens rose gardens whenever he can. I
tel my kids if he gets elected go into the florist business; yin
will make a godamned fortune. He's a guy who seems like a leader
to a few gulls but I know better.

Stormy- You do. Maybe doing nothing and looking as if your might
be doing something is what the rest of America wants even for

Donald- Really? People get restless doing nothing. 

Stormy- Maybe we all want to do nothing. Work is usually some
kind of slavery. most people hate their jobs; they can't wit to
retire. It could be they want a leader whose already retired.
He'd represent them when they can't represent themselves. 

Donald- Maybe. If they don't do anything who's making and
delivering the pizza?

Stormy- Mexicans. It's always Mexicans who run the pizza baseness
these days. 

Donald- That's too bad., My political base doesn't like Mexicans
much. Maybe they feel they didn't get enough mushrooms and onions
on the deluxe special.  

Stormy- Maybe they don't. If you make your own pizza you get what
you want. 

Donald- You're smart. You might know more about politics than I

Stormy- I don't care about it. Every four years you get a choice
of two empty suits or two criminals. I do get to talk to a lot of
people. Stripping isn't a classy entertainment like playing golf. 

Donald- You're telling me they don't want jobs and have no sense
of past greatness about America? I don't believe it.

Stormy- I'm not sure the people I have talked to want to be get.
They might want to be old in five minutes which is a respectable
way of not working for a living. 
    When they're young they won't say they like being on Welfare
and food stamps at the bottom or credit cards at the middle and
top; a lot of them got used to those aggressive hedge funds under
Reagan in the 80s. They got twenty percent on their dollar; with
all their debt it wasn't even their money in the first place. 

Donald- Yeah, those were they days. Twenty percent and you invest
nothing. I sure as Hell liked that deal.

Stormy- Still speculation is getting something for nothing,
Donald. Maybe they don't want to go back to working some day
shift on a job they're indifferent to and dying at 60 from the
rich resident rage. 

Donald- Could be. Maybe I can appreciate that. Of course some of
these slobs had the wrong job.

Stormy- What's the right one? Running beauty contests? Pumping in
a city of whores? Did you ever hear anybody form the 50s at any
age who said he or she was happy with their life? I never did. Of
ceruse they were doing better than they were in the Great
    It beats not having a job for fifteen years and sleeping on
a cot. I don't think anybody thought it was great.

Donald- Well, maybe it wasn't great. Those people wouldn't be my
political base if I ran for President, Stormy.  

Stormy- Really. Whom might that base be? 

Donald- Mostly a lot of angry people who feel betrayed. I guess a
bunch of people who not only don't feel all that great
themselves; there are worse things than feeling trivial. 

Stormy- Still maybe they're happier than when they had mates and
jobs. You locked up twenty ordinary people in an office it's like
a cage of tigers with the door wide open. Nobody wants to be
there, yet nobody leaves. 

Donald- That sound a little Hellish. They might be better off in
a bar. Still they will vote for me.

Stormy- Maybe. Are you going to get those jobs nobody wants back
from China? They're happy to have those poor Chinese do their
work. They don't want to leave their homes even if there's nobody
in them but strangers and enemies. 
    You know what they do in those wonderful suburban hoses?
They watch my films. 

Donald- That's what I did. I guess you're in touch with those
inside people. 

Stormy- That's what I've been hears when I get to the bar. It
might be true.

Trump- Then maybe Obama is right to do nothing. Maybe I should
run on a program of doing even less than he ever did. 

Stormy- I wouldn't say that. People know something very large in
wrong with this counter. You may do nothing but you can't look as
if you're only ready for a fancy hospice. 

Donald- Well, I've been in show business for while; I know how to
do a lot of things. I was also thinking of building a wall, not a
hotel, between the United States and Mexico. A lot of American
don't like Mexicans. I don't know why. I love their cooking. 

Stormy- They're our servant class. You throw out the help and you
might have to cook and clean for yourself. 

Donald- Well, I could threaten to build a wall but not really do
it. Some walls by the way look like hotels and visa versa have to
get inside them to find out what they are if they're anything at

Stormy- Anything else you want to do? Maybe you want to print
more money? 

Donald- To talk to you I'd be lucky if the country doesn't
disappear if I ever got elected. Maybe you're right. Maybe it
Stormy- They might look up to you if you let them think you know
how to spend your money. 

Donald- A few homes, a golf course and romancing Playboy bunnies
who want a few bucks agent good enough, I guess. Maybe they'd
like me to take up growing orchids. 

Stormy- What did you want to do with your money when you were
young, Donald?

Donald- It's hard to remember. I guess, run a whorehouse. I was
never a drinker. This is as you know a hard drinking country.
They look at me funny when I sip a coca cola. I guess I wanted to
have women around who wouldn't say no. 

Stormy- It's when they say yes that they become dangerous. 

Donald- People never remember what they once hoped for. It's too
painful. I did run a whorehouse. That's something.

Stormy- Some of us are better off not getting it.

Donald- Maybe they didn't even have hope. Usually wanting a
friendly stranger in the sack is just restlessness. People in a
bedroom shouldn't have a chance to tank too much, Stormy. They
might decide after looking out the widow too much they want to do
something else. 

Stormy- Marriage didn't work all that effectively in Louisiana.
It might be too many whorehouse It might be loneliness, myopia
and bad judgment. It could be contaminated bayou swamp water. I
ought to know; I worked very strip joint in Louisiana from Baton
Rouge to Algiers. 

Donald- I'm sure you didn't start out as child wanting to be a
stripper. You've got to work up to it. 

Stormy- It beats being a stenographer. Maybe it's a memory from
past levies. You know, as a kid as soon as I got breasts I was
always something of a show off. If you give people something to
look at they will pay for it. most stripers aren't even good
    They're just near butt naked. They work out to build up
their gut muscles, dye their hair blonde, may beet a bit of
silicon in their tits and ass and sometimes have a serious talk
with a plastic surgeon. 
    It had to do with making a living, really. That's all this
country wants. They don't care about your opining. If eating dog
doody made money you're be a success if you were good at it. I
worked as a stripper for a long time for two hundred bucks a
night. I couldn't pull down that kind of money in an office
taking shorthand. 

Donald- Even there with tits like yours you'd have to throw in a
little bit more than taking dictation. 

Stormy- I wasn't a child stripper either, of course. I was a
scholar in high school. I'm smart, I guess I didn't want to be
Louisiana trailer trash. Not every girl from my town, a middle
class dump near Baton rouge was working strip clubs later. 
    The cash business was very good. We were all up all night. I
could pay for my breakfast. 

Donald- That's all they want from you, kid. Every waiter is you
friend when put down an outrageous tip.

Stormy- You are quick to put down a bit of cash if it put a smile
on the face of a lot of people. That's good. 
    Diners are neutral. So are johns. I don't need their
approval. When a leech they get a few bucks from you they are
always looking for more. Its pretty damned chilling on the other
side of that dialogue. 

Donald- Luckily I have what they want. Money.

Stormy- Still you've always had money; you don't have the nagging
feeling one day you might be out of pocket. 

Donald- Yeah, I've got different problems. I never knew early on
who liked me if anybody ever did. Maybe I was unlikable. Then I
decided I didn't care whether anybody liked me or found me
attractive or not. 
    Money is more reliable that looks. A dollar has no brains
and no memory. That little insight made my life easier.

Stormy- It does, doesn't it? even if people sleep with you, that
doesn't mean they like you. It might mean they don't like you.  

Donald- Either way it's nothing personal most of the time either,
Stormy. People are haunted, Stormy; they make love to phantoms. A
lot of people don't like or dislike anybody. 
    They look at you and say to themselves: what can I beat this
son of a bitch out of his watch or his socks? That's okay.
They're a reliable part of the world. 
    I'm civil to them. They do crowd around you though when they
can smell a bit of cash. 

Stormy- They can have my socks. I can always buy another watch. 
I get the same attention from a poodle as from hoist horny men
who are drunk in a bar who think I'm beautiful. It might not be
all that bad to be an illusion either. I like idiots to enrich

Donald- If you take off your clothes to funky music they are
liable to look your way at least for a moment. 
Stormy- That's just show business. A stripper has no real
secrets, Donald; she just pretends she's concealing something. We
are offering fake riddles. 

Donald- That's show business. 

Stormy- I like honkey tonk people. They beat cosmetic dentists.
They have no airs. They know they're garbage. 
    The company over the buckwheat cakes and corn syrup in a
good diner is always interesting. I'd rather hear it than sounds
from a ticker tape. 

Donald- Yeah, I felt the same way when I hung out at the brothels
or with the bunnies. They were pushed out of their life and
became somebody they never thought they could be. Sometimes
corruption and crimes is good for you. You're never comfortable
It keeps you alert. 

Stormy- You're in it yourself; you know show business people are
fun. What was I supposed to do, Donald? Go to college, major in
education and teach arithmetic in a public school? 
    What would I teach the kids, how to do learn multiplication
tables and be like me? I'm a whore of sorts but I'm not that

Donald- You would be very popular in some of my better brothels.
The whores tell me men like to talk with women there. They really
aren't as interested in the sex as the conversation whit a woman
the know they are going to ball in an hour. They like to parlay
with a female pal whom they are sure will never say no.

Stormy- I've said no sometimes. I don't want to be too

Donald- You don't ever feel anything with all the guys you slept
with in those porno movies? 

Stormy- Nothing at all. It's just commerce. What is there to
feel: passion? We were strangers making love to each other so
other strangers in raincoats could sit in the shadows one day and
watch us in the dark. 
    What was there in the way of strong emotion I could take up
about that? 

Donald- I don't know. I've never been in a porno movie. 

Stormy- When you're a kid you say about porno: I would never do
that. Then you discover discreetly the people who did it made a
lot more money than people who did not do it. It changes your
sense of values and focus of ambition. 

Donald- I'm glad you worked up to it as a shipper. You certainly
have made the best porno movers I've ever seen. I think I've seen
them all, even Japanese cartoons. You're not born to be a public
school teacher. God didn't want you to work for a legit public

Stormy- Maybe those places are the biggest whorehouses in
America, Donald. It's no fun to be a tramp at heart and all they
want from you is a little clerical work before you die. It didn't
feel right. 
    I liked stripping. I'm more alive at night. I don't like
most men much but they are at their worst when they're sober. 

Donald- It's more dangerous to be a drunk, kid. My brother Fred
died from booze. John Barleycorn says he's your friend. He's
cordial enough. He just wants to have a good time. He doesn't
move in on you right way. 
    He's patient. You've got to be if you're a stalker. My
brother didn't start out to be a drunk. One quiet day John
Barleycorn is your master. 
    Then you try to run away from him. It's hard to do. The son
of a bitch is quick on his feet and good at hunting you down. My
brother died in a fancy lush asylum. 

Stormy- Sorry to hear that. It's hard to survive the people you

Donald- I didn't love him at all. I guess I did love him once.
The juice alters people, Stormy. They might be charging BTU they
aren't anyone you might want to feel passion for. They will stiff
you. My brother Fred was a fraud, a liar and a thief. 
    My father was not an mythical guy exactly either but if he
was a rat he did his evil without any help from the whiskey.

Stormy- They're both dead, aren't they? 

Donald- Very certifiably dead. Sometimes I dream about them. They
might be living somewhere as crooks in Heaven. I hope so.
Paradise needs a few creeps to keep it honest.  

Stormy- The three of you must have been hard on your mother. 

Donald- Maybe not. She was never disappointed in us. We are
always transparent and in front of you. I don't know how ambition
for intimacy with my father or us she ever was, Stormy. Maybe she
took the big money my father made from real estate and felt she
was okay. 
    What choice did she have? She might have taught kids nursery
rhymes in kindergarten or been a librarian. My father was out of
the house all they time looking for some scheme for beating the
world out of more than a few bucks. Sometimes being alone is
bearable if you have a little money.

Stormy- You mean she had very little choice. She was a woman;
that does limit your ambitions, doesn't it? 

Donald- Not any less than a man. It's just different. What
choices did I have? Ladies, tigers? I'm a man. I could have been
a good bio, graduated from business college as a virgin, married
and made even more money that my father. So could by brother.    
Instead I was trouble. They sent me to military school. I
wasn't a chump. What kind of freedom is that to honor you own
life and never taking any chances, Stormy? I could have been a
rich creep nobody loved or found a more interesting world 
hanging out with so-called criminals. 
    That's why I did what I did; I took the rosy route to the
lobster pasta. 

Stormy- You mean why you worked in Atlantic City and were tight
with a few Mafiosi.

Donald- We all start out as babies once. All we want is pablum
then some of us get smart. We look for something more than baby
food. I'm like you, kid. I didn't want to teach Mother Goose in
kindergarten either. 
    Maybe I could have been prestigious and been a professor of
commerce in a business college. That's the route in being shabby
genteel, isn't it? 

Stormy- Those self invented types all go to strip clubs at the
back of the bar. They all watch porno movies in the attic.

Donald- I guess they don't get to the same joints as quickly as I

Stormy- It's because going to bed with people isn't organized
beyond a few whorehouse and quiet suburban marriages. If we could
bottle sex and sell it like corn flakes we would do it in this

Donald- Yeah. If it isn't profitable, what good is it, right? 
It's be nice to do it less flamboyantly than stripping and making
porno films. Maybe we can't fight it. Some people are both born
what they are. Maybe we all are. 
    Maybe not. There must be a third chic that doesn't lead to
Wall Street, Washington or Atlantic City. I just never found it.
Maybe I should write a letter to the Montana Chamber of Commerce.

Stormy- You might find us a rosy boulevard for a parade, Donald.
Maybe the current highway isn't there.

Donald- I take my Route 66 where I find it. When I was in college
one summer I went with a bunch of my friend to Garrets. They know
how to handle the lady and the tiger choices there. If they
pitched even one tiger they would lose a lot of customers. 
    You tell a taxi drive you want to take in the red light
district and he drives off for fifteen minutes down a dirt road
in the darkness and emptiness; suddenly like citadel of garish
lights there it is. He picks you up in the morning and takes you
back to town later. 
    His services all costs you about a quarter. 

Stormy- I worked in a brothel once. Just briefly. It was a little
confining. I liked light hotel work more. It's more anonymous.
They do have good music in a whorehouse. Everybody in the place
has a steady job.  

Donald- I don't think you're made for an unobtrusive life.

Stormy- You can't be a porno star and invisible unless you work
in heavy robes and a steel mask all the time. It's hard to make
love unless you're not wearing anything at all.  

Donald- I can very much appreciate that. I was just a reality
show star. I said lot of stupid things but I never had to get
butt naked, at least not on television. 

Stormy- It's not the same thing. Men like women when they're lewd
but not too coarse. A woman who turns them down for a quick one
makers them angry. It's bad business. They've been furious

Donald- Yeah, we men don't like much to get turned down. We've
don't show up to a brothel to be told by some when who work there
they're tired or tonight they can do better; they're not much
interested in you. 
    Of course they aren't in love with you or attracted to you.
In a friendly way they want your cash. That's okay. 
    The sorority women that turned me down in college and
earlier than that went really disinterested in me either. Stormy;
they were barraging for somebody or something better. Maybe a
creep ally on the long commute and elsewhere with more money. 
    They all wanted a guy who was somewhere deep into a parade
of cars on a highway lessening to angry talk radio wheel the
wives lived by themselves in some posh place or other and maybe
nibbled on a few organic liqueured chocolates. They don't really
like men. 
    I can understand that too. We men aren't the perfect lovers
they'd like to have if they were interested in love. A lot of us
make love and go to sleep. Even over eggs Benedict at breakfast
we get restless. 
    We maybe value money more than women. Shouldn't we? A dollar
never betrays anybody. 

Stormy- If you think some legit whore has been overly treacherous
you are going to live with a lot of disappointment.

Donald- I can trust you to be who you are, can't I? You're not
going to sue me for anything, are you? A casual quick one is not
a crime. Not yet. 

Stormy- If I litigated I'd just hire my lawyers and you'd hie
yours. That's how you break up, American style. It's almost
patriotic. It's okay too. There are wrasse ends to an affair.
Donald. We aren't going to get mad at each other and kill each

Donald- What's there to make us even mildly irritated? 
Stormy- Really nothing.

Donald- We know what we're going to do. We don't have to do any
serious bargaining. 

Stormy- What are you going to do? 

Donald- Nothing too startling, novel or dangerous. Nothing you
haven't survived a thousand times, Stormy. You've done it whit
other people, Nothing bad happened I just want you to do it with

Stormy- That's easy. All you want to be is a footnote? You sure
you don't lack ambition?

Donald- I've got it plenty but not for sex,, kid. I'd like to be
President of the United States. I'd like to wrestle bad guys on
television., Maybe I'd like to build a fancy hotel on Mars or the
moon. Maybe sometimes I have a yen to sleep with my wife. 

Stormy- Not lately though I hope.

Donald- No, not lately. I know there are some guys who are
obsessed with women. They make fools of themselves over them. I
don't have any of those feelings. I don't covet them. I know they
want money. I have it, plenty of it. I don't mind paying them for
some fun. God knows I can always get more money. 
    They've got about fifteen years to get it in the sack and
afterwards they can only go into supervision. I give them what
they want I'm civil. I never ask them to do anything they don't
do with a thousand other guys. 
    I even have movies of them doing it. They can't think I'm
asking them for something they find intolerable. 

Stormy- Maybe you should. Maybe you are too cautious. 

Donald- Some women don't like carnal peril.  

Stormy- Still, even in your circle, a lot of men with money go
through the beautiful women in town and get bored. Something they
look for in the sack or elsewhere doesn't happen. You're not one
of those, are you?

Donald- I might be. I've had an interesting life, kid. Maybe I
should have had some guides around me besides Mafia capos about
how to make it even more interesting. I really had to figure it
all out myself. The Mafia doesn't know much more than how to make
great noodle dishes. It didn't come to me all that easily. 
    Some people say I've done interesting things because I'm not
interesting myself. Maybe there's something to that. Who am I
really? I'm interesting to myself as far as I can tell for no
reason at all. 
    Then I do like women in spite of myself. Women do have the
capacity to make me frustrated. I like them even more when
they're blonde, young and have the honest souls of tramps but I
like them. I'm even generous to all of them, especially the ones
who don't like me.

Stormy- what do they do with the money you give them, watch
television on a larger screen? Eat imported organic Korean

Donald- I don't know what thee do. Does it matter? Maybe they
have a rendezvous with God. That hasn't happened to me. Maybe God
is busy. Some send me letters as they hit middle age telling me
to reform. They get knocked up by somebody and bring up a rather
confused fatherless kid. That sops up a lot of time for them. 
    They go shopping by themselves Bacchus they know somebody
they send to a store is going to steal half the edibles and the
money. Maybe they like horses. They get themselves a chamber
ranch in Wyoming and ride the beasts around a corral. 
    Maybe they do charity work. There's always lepers and
monsters out there who need and will take they charity. 

Stormy- Still you are cautious. You've had a few detectives on my
trail, haven't you, Donald? 

Donald-I might have? Yeah, I did it. They got the everything
right, didn't they? At least you know I checked you out and you
came out relatively clean. How did you know? 

Stormy- I know a lot of gumshoes. They are a sort of guild. They
talk to each other. 

Donald- They all had to look over your porno movies so they could
always identify you on the street. A lot of them feature you
having sex with women. Do you like women? 

Stormy- I don't dislike them. There's nothing autobiographical or
confessional about my films, Donald. They are only mirrors of
whatever people want to see. If it was sex with giraffes I'd do
that too. 

Donald- Really.

Stormy- We don't have any more vision than accountants or shoe
salesmen. Porno is one of the most narrow ritualistic worlds you
could imagine short of a nunnery. When people what evil they want
it to be a known evil. 

Donald- Yeah, that's the trouble. When I looked around to escape
the silken cage I was in as a kid I was offered only the choices
some run of carnival pitchmen wanted to make visible. 

Stormy- You think back then there might have been other ones?. 

Donald- I don't know, There were always reliable corruptions.
They always made a steady profit. Maybe it's better to be around
somebody you can trust to be what they are if it's only a few
gumshoes tailing you in a shopping mall. 

Stormy- Donald, I'm honored to be followed. A lot of women aren't
followed and regret it. 

Donald- Maybe you've been followed and looked over by a lot of
other people you don't know about.

Stormy- I'm famous. It's probably true.

Donald- you know, I might be able to do something for yen the
legit world. I can talk to a few people at the Apprentice. If
you're nice to me I might even buy you a condo in New York City.
That's my business. I know a few fancy people in real estate who
would like to set you up there anonymously. Real state folks like
quiet people like you.

Stormy- You'd be dropping in of course occasionally. So might

Donald- I might be. I heard you're a good cook. I might be there
for your legendary lobster pasta.

Stormy- Good. Luckily you've not a bad conversationalist. 

Donald- I once thought I was fairly amusing. Now I'm not so sure,
Stormy.  I talk too much about myself. People sometimes think I'm
interesting. Being myself makes me tired sometimes. I know all
about myself. Maybe they have something to tell me. 
    Some people have nothing to say. I never talk to fill the
time. I dandled know anything about them; sometimes I have to
talk about me.

Stormy- Well, I haven't held anything back from you. Maybe we
both have a lot to say. 

Donald- As you say. Strippers don't really have riddles. I
appreciate that. 

Stormy_ I know people want to be amused. When I talk I keep out
the bad times and the disappointments.

Donald- So do I. Nobody wands to hear when you're blue. 

Stormy- You've got to tell them a smidgeon about your setbacks.
Otherwise you're boring Bacchus all that's happened to you are
wonderful bits of stupid luck that make other people jealous of

Donald- Yeah, I learned that too. I tell them things I don't feel
all that passionate about though. What makes me unhappy are
things I wouldn't share with anybody. It's not just the
vulnerability. It's none of their damned business. 

Stormy- You've got to protect your privacy, Donald. Nobody else

Donald- My life has been one long struggle, Stormy. That's why I
was watching that documentary about sharks when you came in the
door, Sharks are the perfect soldiers in life, kid. They kill
till they're killed themselves. They're not the only ones like
that in the sea either. Look at tigers. You know what they think
abut? Either how to eat whatever they can get or nothing at all.

Stormy- You don't think tigers have a deeper inner life? That's

Donald- Is it? When people start thinking n a random way about a
lot of things they get instantly melancholy. Give them something
to do and they are suddenly energized. Most of them live in long
gone limbos or Hells they can't do anything about.

Stormy- You means who your father and grandfather was, or why you
aren't so interested anymore in the women you once married.

Donald- I suppose that's it. I never had those illusions about
marriage, Stormy. Marriage to me is just having a reliable
military base.  

Stormy- That's why people came to watch me strip when I was a
live show, Donald. That's why they still can't get enough of my
porno movies though what they're seeing is the past, long dead
and gone Maybe that's the way a lot of people like their
experience, Donald: packaged and wrapped in red cellophane. 

Donald- It's safe. 

Stormy- I'm not complaining; their caution and fear earns me a
hellova good living.

Donald- I always thought porno was some kind of ritual.

Stormy- It doesn't matter what it is. It's profitable. That's all
you need to know. Keats said that. 

Donald- I'm glad you love poetry. If I did it I couldn't do it
sober. I don't drink myself. I don't ever want to get looped like
my poor dead brother. If it's all dead stuff like history  when I
was your films I get stimulated. 

Stormy- Sex is always better with pizza. Do you want to send out
for some food? 

Donald- If you'll eat some of it first. You never know when
somebody is trying to poison you. 

Stormy- Why would anyone want to do that? You and I are booth
more amusing to this world alive than dead. 

Donald- Poison is how heros die, Stormy. Heros, celebrities are
killed by poison and betrayal. 

Stormy- They shot Abraham Lincoln. He must have not been a hero. 

Donald- You don't know how many people at the top have been
knocked off with poison, kid. Even nerve agents. One smear on
your hands and it's over for you. Of course they call it strokes,
heart attacks. It's sure as Hell not going to happen to me. I
usually order from some anonymous McDonald's and eat lots of
hamburgers, then wash them down with chocolate or vanilla milk
    Nobody knows whom the order is going to. The messenger
bringing the stuff takes bite of it first. 

Stormy- I hope you don't get tired of a very restricted diet.

Donald- Being a billionaire means there are teams of rooming
detectives out to get you, kid. Even countries from Chad to
Pathogene have intelligence agents wanting to compromise you with
damning evidence of something depraved or other. 
    God knows I've had my organization penetrated by England and
Russia. If I had nothing no gumshoes would ever take an interest
in me, but then again, I'd be a creep and a bum. I'd be broke
too. That's a hell of a choice right there. 

Stormy- Well, you're still on the planet so you must know
something about ladies and tigers. 

Donald- A few things, kid. I didn't go to Vietnam, did I? I knew
the big boys on both sides ere going to scuffle for a while then
cut a deal and import noodles bigtime to America. I don't want to
be a palooka getting shot climbing up a hill on a cloudy midnight
while they make their moves on poppy seeds. 
    I'm in on the con. I got a doctors note: bad feet.  

Stormy- You had better thins to do that fight in Vietnam, Donald;
you're a builder. You elevate people. They need characters like
you to churn out fancy hotels in strange places. You should have
had an exemption for being a first class international realtor.

Donald- Hanoi, I wish you'd been in Congress when they started
that damn war. You make a lot of sense to me.

Stormy- It's easy for me to see the local insanity. I'm half out
of the asylum. 

Donald- People don't appreciate real state folks until it starts
raining and they need a dry roof. 

Stormy- How come you wanted to build hotels in Russia? I thought
people didn't have much money there.

Donald- They don't. My hotels are for foreigners who visit
Russia. Russians would rather sleep in the snow. If people have
any money in Russia it means they've murdered a lot of other

Stormy- I wouldn't want to deal with that Vladimir Putin. Anyone
who's managed to knock off a bunch of killers himself scares me a

Donald- Putin? At bottom he's a crumb. Nobody in politics can be
as frightening as you think they want to be, kid. Somebody says:
I don't shiver. Then you've got to deal with the enemy. All it
takes is one of them to take you out. 
    Putin wants to die. You don't make any friends by growling
at anybody. The real leader these days runs people with pleasure.
If the people out there want money he prints money. If they want
sex he gives them cheap porno. If they want a quick meal he sets
them to some fastfood dump. 
    He's the goddamn master of the world though he pretends he's
one of the menial help. 

Smoky- You sure as hell did it that way. When people were horny
you gave them a nice brothel. 

Donald- Yeah, it's my nature, I think, to want to please. Maybe I
was too protected by my money early on, Stormy. I'm not exactly
rude; I can't say I'm a guy whose well known for offering soft
words either.

Stormy- I guess Paten is a creep. Yeah, a classical bum, I leaned
from my business if you aren't polite to everybody and respect
them, even the mutts, one day you will say the wrong word to the
wrong guy and find yourself dumped into a nearby river. 

Donald- Well, I ve said some unpleasant things now and again to a
lot of people and I am still here. Maybe I haven't met the wrong
guy yet. 

Stormy- Sometimes people are looking for him.

Donald- Not me. I don't want to meet that guy. I know there are a
heap of bodies out there that are food for fish at the bottom of
the sea. 

Stormy- You may not always be in a business position to avoid
him. In my field somebody has to float the money for even hard
core banging. The actors have to be paid, the cameraman has to
take his cut, the editor doesn't work for free and the studios we
rent to shoot our stuff aren't a saintly bunch of people either.
    Banks don't want to take our money to quickly. They're
afraid they'll be audited. They have their own enemies. It pays
to be as polite as you can be to all of our angels.  

Donald- Sometimes it's the more pious angels that kill you. 

Stormy- You have bucks. You need protection. Donald. You got it
from the Mafia. 

Donald- My mentor in the large world was Roy Cohn, not just my
father. I learned from my dad that all people are bribable though
their price changes from one guy to another. Well, maybe not all.
The rivers are filled with the corpse of honorable folks. Roy
taught me that you should be cordial whenever you can be but if
you re in a conflict situation you have to be ready to be sued.  
You deny everything. Let them prove you exist. If you are
you have power who know a lot of judges and lawyers do each other
favors like politicians. You pick up your markers with them. They
you owe them a little.

Stormy- I know about Roy Cohn. He was a pip.

Donald- Roy never was nasty to anybody. At least he would say a
few unpleasant things about Communism being a world conspiracy
but there weren't all that many Reds in America that were
insulted by that. Everything is a conspiracy. In fact the Reds
would have agreed with him. 
    Roy was not a pugnacious character naturally he knew what to
do when he was in fight. 

Stormy- I understand that. I've been in a few mud wrestles
myself. They can get very nasty. Still nothing ever happened to
me I couldn't get rid of after a hot bath. 

Donald- Roy was never rude. Even his enemies admitted he was
realistic guy doing they best he can. Roy was like an uncle for
me. Sometimes even a ballooner needs an uncle. 

Stormy- I wouldn't know. I never had one. I didn't even have much
of a mother and father. I had to figure out everything for

Donald- Too bad. Uncles can be good advisors. They see things
from a distance. I get too involved in things and people
sometimes; I need a couple of uncles.

Stormy- Do you listen to them?

Donald- Most of the time. Roy of course was visionary. I never
met a smarter guy than he was. He understood that the fancy
lawyers and statesman had failed to run America, that  power in
the future was going to come from somebody who at least looked as
if he were pushing a broom. 
    That's why I went on television as reality show star and did
some guest work in professional wrestling. I needed a base among
common folk I certainly didn't have in real estate. 
    I wasn't so bad as a hot shot in show business, was I?

Stormy- I don't know. I never watched your stuff, Donald. I like
men but it was all too male. Frankly, I think wrestling is

Donald- It's exactly what you say for reasons that Roy understood
before me. It's gross. It's primitive male drama, kid. Roy was a
little guy; he couldn't have wrestled anybody but midgets. Still
it appeals to a lot of people who don't like fancy lawyers and
don't think the current run of representatives represent them.

Stormy- They're right about that. What sort of representation
would they want? Somebody who after a lynching would slaughter a
pig and roast it in his back yard? 

Donald- Worse than that. He might even try to sodomize the pig
first, then eat the intestines. You ever make a porno move with

Stormy- Not yet. Maybe I just haven't been able to cast the right
pig at the right price. The swine in America have a strong union. 
Donald- You're funny, kid. I like that. Watching those porno
films, I wasn't expecting that. 

Stormy- You shouldn't judge my charm from my movies, Donald.
After all I don't make witty comedies. That's not what my
customers want when they sit quietly in the shadows in a

Donald- You give them what they want, Stormy. 

Stormy- They don't know what they want. They're as much in a
labyrinth as the two of us but with less money. They think the
choices they're given make them free. 
    We used to think that too, didn't we? Do they really want to
be horny, married and watch porno? 

Stormy- What else should they do? Play cards? 

Donald- There must be other ways to be carnal and pop off to
sleep besides that. These creeps don't know what they are.  

Stormy- You know what you want though, don't you? 

Donald- Do I? I know what is reliable or easily accessible only
here and there. I don't know anything more than that.  

Stormy- I don't either. I go shipping and they offer me a choice
of mangos or kiwi fruit. What kind of choice have I had
otherwise? I spent enough time in the homes of the Mafioso to
understand that. 
    What do you suppose they are aiming for, Stormy? They want
more red meat in the sauce they put over the pasta. 

Stormy- You're right. We're the blind following and leading the
blind. I don't really know what I want either, Donald. I do know
that whatever it is, it's better getting it or not getting it
with money. 

Donald- Usually.

Stormy- Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it snot better. Everything you do
alters you, you know. Maybe I should have been a wife. Wives can
tell men in bed they're too tired. They can be lousy lovers. you
judge a wife by whether or not the carpets are clean.

Donald- I wouldn't bet on the powder of wives either, Stormy.
Most of them either get divorced or get so old and ugly nobody
wants them, not even their husbands. 
    Still they all have a thousand cunning ways to be booing.
The guy doesn't even know she means to be as tedious as she is. 
    My father Fred used to say, you know what fills motels is
unhappy people with somebody else's unhappy mates. He was a
damned real estate expert; he knew. 

Stormy- Is that why you're here and your wife is elsewhere,

Donald- Look, my wife get tired of each other like everybody
else. We have separate bedrooms. I don't ask her any questions
about her past; she was a model. She doesn't want to knew where I
am too much of the time either. 
    I'm not cheating her out of anything she wants from me, kid.
She can have the pleasure money can buy. 

Stormy- Does she? 

Donald- I don't know. I never asked her. I never will ask her.
She was a model. Do you think models have or should have much of
an inner life? They want to look good while they walking in a
straight line in front of strangers. Melania doesn't even talk
English all that well; we don't have too many deep conversations. 

Stormy- Maybe she has them with other people. Some people are
good talkers. 

Donald- Look, don't ask me about my wife when you came to my
apartment by yourself and you're a porno queen. I'd rather talk
about archeology or mathematics. 

Stormy- Well, you did invite me here. Maybe I should have shown
up with my lawyer.

Donald- That would have been a little chilling. I don't enjoy the
company of lawyers much except for Roy Cohn, who was more of a
legal philosopher; I have a lot of them in my social company.

Stormy- Maybe America needs a lot more soulful bartenders. 

Donald- I think I'd like to spend some time talking with you
though. You seem very bright. 

Stormy- I'm not stupid. I might be naive. I was dumb enough to
show up here by myself. Porno stars aren't known for their carnal
    Maybe I shouldn't have been all that brave.

Donald- Why don't we talk about that in the bedroom?  

Stormy- You want to make love right now? 

Donald- Well, we could always do it after playing a little
blackjack or watching a sitcom on television. I don't have a deck
of cards and there's nothing on the tubes but Horror film
marathon. These television programmers are always celebrating
    Yeah I think I do want to make love to you. 

Stormy- In fact that's why you invited me here. You figured for
anybody in porno it might be less than a handsale. 

Donald- Stormy, I'm not that calculating. Maybe should be. I
don't know why anybody does anything. I don't have to know that.
I know what people have done sometimes, I know usually whatever
it is they do, they keep on doing it. 
    They call it character, habit, morals or lack of it, access
to some things and people and not others, whatever; it comes down
to a kind of dumb reliability you want out of other people, not
just animate can openers. 
    Yeah, I admit it; I assume you are going to make love to me
backs you've done it with thousands of other men before me. Why
you did any of it is beyond me. Maybe today's the day you walt do

Stormy- Well, if you put it like that, maybe we will do it. You
don't have to contact room service to open a fresh deck of cards.

Donald- That's good. Do you like me at all?

Stormy- I don't know. I know I don't dislike you. 

Donald- You're not at all attracted to me? 

Stormy- Donald, I'm twenty seven and you're a sightly portly
sixty one. You're almost a senile old man. I can get lovers that
are in much better shape and a lot better looking than you are.  
You apparently can't do much better than young girls like me
or those Playbody bunnies and Venezuelan beauty contest
candidates you hit on. 

Donald- I guess I am a one more half dead guy with a wad of cash.
That's okay. I'm glad I have the dough.  

Stormy- Do you ever see men going to a whorehouse and asking for
old ripe women for a night in the sack? They never do. Men and
women aren't so different. 
    Don't you think a woman with some experience or at laesa a
low standards of tolerance in lovemaking would be better for them
than a stupid young man with a perpetual erection? No, men
sometimes even sleep with teenage trumps who have a youthful look
to them rather than get into the sack with a very friendly, ripe
and mature woman. 

Donald- Maybe we substitute hope for anything else.  

Stormy- Kid, that's why lots of women have contempt for men. Men
are survivalist on the hunt in a posh casino. They have no
sensible ambition. They're shallow; they want superficial

Donald- Luckily we are usually dumb johns with a few bucks, right
Stormy? Otherwise you wouldn't go near us for good reasons. We
don't want enough from you, I guess.  

Stormy- You know why there are no whorehouses for when as there
are for you men? Women don't want guys who are sleeping with them
for money. Men want nothing else. 

Donald- Maybe women are better than us.  

Stormy- We are different; you know why so many wives divorced
their husbands in the 70s. They were really angry at themselves
for seeping with guys they didn't care about one way or another
for a three per cent montage. 
    It's not satisfactory to us. You're a man; a night with a
whore doesn't bother you.

Donald- No, it doesn't. Hamburgers don't disappoint me either. I
know what a hamburger is really. I accept it as an ordinary
hamburger. That is my primal male stupidity. It might be lack of
ambition. you might have more respect for us if you valued that
we might know something. Did you ever hear the popcorn story? 

Story- No. I don't think so. 

Donald- I heard it from every young guy I ken in queens and then
in at the University of Pennsylvania. It was everybody's first
experience with a woman. They would go into a room with a tramp
and enter her while she was eating from a bag of popcorn. She
would sat to the kid as he was inside her, let me know when
you're finished, kid. 
    That's of course, words from a whore mentality. We men have
to work up to that level of disdain, Stormy. We don't really know
what to expect from women when we're very young. It might be

Stormy- Like the lady and the tiger. 

Donald- Yeah, except sometimes it's just two tigers. 

Story- What you want is what you saw in my films? 

Donald- Yeah, we both know you can do all of that. You could
throw in a couple of minor cypress.

Stormy- I can get innovative. (Donald touched her hair.)

Donald- You may like me a little more than you like other people. 

Stormy- I haven't been notable in my life for making such very
subtle distinctions.  

Donald- What kind of man would you like to be with if you had a
choice. I know it's not me. I'm too old and self involved. Whom
would it be?

Stormy- I've never had that choice. I've always been decided
whether I want the lady or the tiger. 

Donald- You've survived both, kid.

Stormy- Let's not be naive. Anything agnate does changes them a

Donald- You don't think much of me as prosecutive lover. 

Stormy- I don't really have an opinion. I've might have a better
one next week. 

Donald- I might surprise you.

Stormy- You called but I'll bet you won't. When you make your
choices it's for hamburgers and watching National Geographic

Donald- Maybe I should eat vegetarian tacos and look at something
more educational. Like suburban epics where even the dog is on a

Stormy- Well, that would be one more phony choice. 

Donald- I'd rather chomp down on hamburgers, easy on the sweet

Stormy- Would you have rather have done  something else besides
hotels and real estate, Donald, not either the lady or the tiger? 

Donald- Yeah. Airports. I wish I had built a lot more airports.
you don't have to give your clients the same services as you do
in a hotel. 
    You give them a chair, tell them to wait; that's it. 

Stormy- Somebody is building those airports as we talk. Maybe
they're building a fancy airport on Mars. 

Donald- Whoever it is, that phantom airport guy is smarter than

Stormy- I guess I'll have to be cogent with a lover who only
builds hotels.  

Donald- Yeah. Well, enough talk. Let's go into the bedroom and do

Stormy- Okay. Why not? 

Donald- You sure you don't like me a little.

Stormy- No. I really don't. Not even a little. 

Donald- Good, that makes it even less ambitious than I am most of
the time out of bed. 

Story- You're going to keep the television on while we do it?
Turn the damn machine off, Donald. I don't like to compete with
National Geographic. I kneeled look like a shark, a bear or a

Donald- You can't. You're not a certified wild animal.

Stormy- That might be the surprise you're looking for. 

Donald- I'm not hoping for anything more than what I saw in those

Stormy- You know, you're not very romantic, Donald. You don't
breathe the fragrant perfumes of passion. 

Donald- I don't feel any emotion at all anymore than you do. You
don't want me to make love to you, do you? 

Stormy- Do it. I just want you to be civil.  

Donald- You can depend on me. You and I have a deal. I am always

Stormy- Even to porno queens? That must try your sense of social

Donald- Not at all. Sometimes a little politeness is all there is
between people, stormy. Ever listen to the dumb stories of the
guys who went to your stripper bar? They all had nothing left but
a little casual choroidal style if they were lucky after three
weeks of marriage or shacking up with some tramp. 
    Nothing is more ordinary than what we're going to do here in
a few minutes. Maybe they all should have gotten marred and had a
little casual fun more conventionally.  

Stormy- It's one more cage. You're married. Did marriage do
anything for you? 

Donald- Not too much. After a few marriages even a moron figures
out that much about an ordinary resident home for a hotel meal
and sex. Of course it took me a while I must say. Much too long. 

Stormy- You started out expecting something more from a roll in
the hay?

Donald- Let's say I had a lot of sentimental hopes and
disappointments, Stormy. My love life was only one of them. 

Stormy- Well, I hope you won't be too unhappy with me?  

Donald- How happy can you make me? 

Stormy- I don't know. Anyway it's nice to know what we do in the
bedroom is being done by millions of other desperate bums all
over this country. It does make us more ordinary than we want to
be of course. I can take it.  

Donald- Anything that happens more than a weeks is just a bad

Stormy- Maybe life shouldn't go on too long. 

Donald- Yeah, we might get bored with all of it. I think of that
when I look at my children. They have no idea how tedious things
are going to get for them too.  

Stormy- Who knows? It might be better than nothing. Do you mind
if I stop off in the restroom to freshen up?

Donald- Not at all. I like everything fresh in my life but fresh
subpoenas, vanilla milk shakes and women. 

Stormy- Glad to hear it, honey. I hope I never have to stack up
in good looks with a hamburger. 
          (She smiles. Exit Stormy.) 

    (Donald e sings.)

          Trump's Credo 

When I drive it's in a Cadillac car
When I make love it's with a porno star 
When I eat it's a triple big whopper
Diet coke for the proper topper.
I'm a businessman with shadowy credit 
I want to know what I get when I get it. 

I look for a model when I want a lover
Some Bunny in Centerfold 
I don't want ever to discover 
She's ugly or looks too old. 

I watch lots of game shows you see on the tubes 
Maybe this crap is for morons and boobs.
When you sit in a chair you can get hog fat.  
Still I say to myself: hey, I can do that. 
I'm a businessman with shadowy credit 
I want to know what I get when I get it. 

I think it's funny that women want money; 
What the hell can a fat wad do? 
You don't know your friends while your lover spends
More of your money than you. 

Real estate, boys, is whatever is real 
We can make a hellova deal;
My checks might be a little short. 
I might be lying; see you in court. 
I'm a businessman with shadowy credit 
I want to know what I get when I get it. 

              (Exit Donald.)

Trump in Beverly Hills A Play by Matthew Paris                   Act Two     (Another anonymous hotel room yet looking similar to the one in Act One. Enter Stormy. She sings.)                           Porno Women Your wife may tell you she's tired. She pops ups not to feel that down. She's never all that inspired. Your girlfriend is out of town. Street fare might be a danger Given where you want to go. Whenever you look for a stranger A porno star never says no. You can try Las Vegas, Havana Hang around dumps in Pigalle For the usual weird arcana You get on the cheap in Nepal. You might be a little bit picky Whenever your commerce is slow; Whenever you look for a quickie A porno star never says no. Whatever you call a passion No matter how foul or low Below any taste or fashion: A porno star never says no. Laughed at by Helen and Ellen Dismissed by Eileen and Elaine You might be a bum and a felon You could be a fool or insane Lacking in looks, dressed in tatters It's time to look up a pro. In intimate amorous matters A porno star never says no.     (She turns on the television set with a habitual gesture. Enter Donald Trump.) You don't ring the bell. Donald- I'm a member of the Beverley Hills Hotel Hall of fame. I have a key to every room in the known hotel galaxy. What are you watching? Stormy- Angels In Therapy. It's on educational television. You learn a lot about upper middle class crazy people. Donald- That's a world of self pitying wimps. Stormy- They are my clientele, Donald. Donald- Luckily right now I only have the key to this suite.    Stormy- Okay. Remember that damned key just let's you in the room. Donald- Don't be annoyed. Hotels are my sacred territory. If I were on a porno set I would always defer to you. Stormy- I might try one day to guide you through the mayhem. Actually you'd be right at home on the set, Donald. Sex can be love; for us it's business. Donald- I know more about the sex business than you think Stormy. My operations in Atlantic City were a partially a sex caper. I managed it; I ought to know.  Stormy- So you were a fancy Atlantic City pimp. It's okay. You look at a little unsettled about it, Donald. Donald- I've been through Hell about the general fallout. This country is turning into a bunch of johns. The morals don't bother me. People will think I'm just running a whorehouse. That can be disturbing. Stormy- Maybe they respect you for that. You made casual sex profitable. You've had some big financial losses in Atlantic City though. Do people get tired of a quick one in a hotel? They don't have time to think about it.  Donald- No, a fast shuffle in a locked room never dies; it's like the common cold. The Evangelicals don't like that I ran a brothel. I've been talking to the voting base I might have if I ran for anything, some of them worried about God. Stormy- After a while that's very common. Donald- I wouldn't worry about Jesus. Jesus loves you even if you're an ultimate crumb. They're scared of Hell. One of them told me that Hell is a place where you are completely isolated, trust nobody, are ready to kill or be killed, betray or get stung for money by some momentary treachery. Story- It sounds like ordinary commerce on Earth. Donald- Yeah. They say you're free to walk out on it at any time if you want some other way of doing the syncopated tango through the marshes. Stormy- They think you can leave Hell? That's good to hear. Donald- You can enter as easily too. It's like a top flight hotel. They say in Montana people stay in Hell because Hell is fun. Stormy- It's probably better than Montana. What brought up the subject with them? Did some evangelist think you were roasting in flames and couldn't find the exit door? Donald- Hell isn't about pain and flames, kid; it's about comfort. He wanted to vote for me. He said leaders of any place usually are sitting on a minor throne or can in Hell; they just don't know it. Stormy- Really. Donald- They think it's paradise. The guy laughed so that must have been his idea of a joke. Stormy- Well, that was just a dumb conversation. Had he been in Hell himself? Donald- He said so. He described it well enough. One day he told me he just had enough and walked out. Satan even gave him a friendly wave of the hand as he marched through the lobby and marched quickly to the door. Stormy- Maybe he knows who runs Hell; God or maybe Santa Claus runs Heaven.  Donald- Could be. This guy from Montana certainly was very friendly. He said Hell is one of the nicest places he had been to, better than paradise. It's easier. People in Hell think all that pleasure is freedom.     Heaven and Hell are both not a bad place to do business. Stormy- Maybe we should all move in and run hotels and shoot porno films there.  Donald- We'd have our rivals. See, that's the trick about living in Hell. It's not so much what happens; it's what doesn't happen. Stormy- What doesn't happen? You're getting murky. Donald- You can live at the very bottom in the deepest circles where you're dressed in rags, a bum, hang out with nobodies, guzzle bad booze, or you can book a suite in the more comfortable parts of the joint where they have a spongy scarlet rug on the floor, a soft bed, good room service, the best whiskey.     Still it's what doesn't happen that defines the damned place, not whatever occurs there. Stormy- What doesn't happen? Do they have a ban on marijuana or sodomy? Donald- No. They're all okay. The isolation never ends because for good reasons you don't trust anybody in it. You can be savaged by even the anonymous drudge who brings you the pizza and the ginger ale. Stormy- Why would you think of trusting anybody in a suite? Even the cockroaches have to be looking to beat you out of something. Donald- Yeah, that's part of it. If you're lucky the cockroaches are polite and on the take. It's really that you don't want to know all that much about anybody else much less the hotel help.     You don't care what happened last week either; so much for history.     You can be very polite because you don't care abut anybody including yourself, Stormy. If you drop dead from lizard venom, it's just one more trivial irritating moment. Stormy- I can think of worse situations. Ever been to Mexico?  Donald- Sure. This fellow from Montana says they won't hire Mexicans. They are tough on emigration. Satan though is the most polite and cordial spirit in Hell. He personally lets you in and out of the joint. He's sometimes also the doorman. Stormy- I get it. This Evangelist controls lot of votes of people who have the same opinions? I'm surprised they don't all move there. It sure beats Florida.  Donald- I'm not sure. This guy unnerved me. Maybe he was inviting me into it. I don't know. Stormy- I guess politics is listening to hick fools as if they might know something. Donald, you must be seriously running for something.     In my business I never give any attention to people like that. Donald- I'm thinking about it. I haven't put on my running shoes yet. When you look for a voter base you meet a lot of people you never come across in the high class business world. I don't tank it's a bad thing talking to crazy people with power; it broadens me. Stormy- Some insanity might be lethal or at least contagious.  Donald- Politics has given me a few dizzy moments. I don't mind being a little unbalanced sometimes; it passes. It's refusing in a way to hear somebody desire building a hotel as constructing Pandemonium. Stormy- It's a stupid self-flattering lunacy. All these religious creeps are too damned grandiose. Can you imagine any of these devils or angels or whatever taking an interest in us?     Wouldn't they have better things to do?  Trump- Either that or you and I are too trivial even for them. Stormy- He didn't throw that bilge around about how God loves you, did you? Donald- No, he wasn't that kind of evangelist. He doesn't believe in all that crap. He says God doesn't exactly love you; he respects you. If you want to hang out in Hell he's still all for you.     This evangelist was from a sect that lives out in the mountains somewhere. They all vote. I didn't mind listening to him. He did make me think there might be something more to my life than putting up hotel that are gong to be rat traps n fifty years. Stormy- These evangelists are all failed science fiction writers. Take it from a porno star. Most lovemaking isn't anything more than people in raincoats you see in the outlands beyond a film.  Maybe you want to think you're
dog something bigger or different than you are, Most of the time building a hotel is just putting up one more hotel.  Donald- I've always hoped as much. Stormy- We all get to face what we do in a thousand way, Donald. I know what I'm doing for a loving is not the stuff of much evangelical thinking. It's about giving a few bucks off some slab who wants to see pretty women in the sack with some ferocious guy who apparently has a perpetual erection and can't get enough of sex.     My clientele has had much more quiet fatigue with that soot of stuff than anything you might see in any of my films. We urolith really selling porno; we are pitching amnesia and brainless enthusiasm. Donald- Well, I watch your films. I get more out of them than that. Stormy- Yeah, you want to join us. you want next in the sackfest. That's those horny guys too.  Donald- Do you trust the guys that are in your pictures not to have some disease that could kill you? Stormy- I don't trust anybody. I get them all tested by doctors. If they're infected and lying I tell them I will have them killed before I die. Donald- That might keep a couple of them honest.     I tell that to the people who bring me my hamburgers. I say to them if this kills me I have five hit men on contract that will take you out a half hour later. I know I have enemies. If they ever work through you to get to me you are a dead woman. Stormy- I know you're saying that in a friendly way. Donald- I am always a very polite guy. It takes something very major like treachery to rile me up. Stormy- This fellow from Montana who suggests you were not only living in Hell but building it made you a little uncomfortable. Donald- It'll pass. I don't value Hell. He said that it can't make people happy; it can sometimes make them comfortable and sated. You know, I can do that on Earth perfectly well. Stormy- Well, there's your lady and the tiger choice again, Donald. I suppose Heaven has the same people in it; they are hiring teams of lawyers to deal with the court suits; the old lovers never have to show up in court for the resident treachery. Donald- Maybe. Maybe they have never left the courtroom. If Hell never has any pain Heaven has to have a lot of it, no? Stormy- Maybe it has all of it. Everybody else is too numb to feel anything. Donald- Well, suppose I told you I trust and am coopting myself to you somehow,  I want us to leave Africa and have a beach house on a South sea Island, live on fallen overripe coconuts. I could arrange it. Would you do it? Stormy- You mean sipping coconut milk is the third choice beyond the picking the lady or the tiger? Donald, I could get really tired of coconuts.  Donald- What about bread fruit? You don't like the South Seas? Stormy- They have a lot of mosquitos. What do we do if one of us gets a toothache? Donald- We go back to this damned hotel. They've get a excellent dentist here on call at all hours. Stormy- Even if we did it, we'd just be dabbling at living under the coconuts. Anyway, what would we talk about? Donald- Gossip. Let's not get into either religion or politics. Stormy- We'd still get fatigued with each other. You know even people who are having a crazy passionate affair don't sleep with each other all that much. Donald- Maybe we'd hang out on a nearby yacht and watch a lot of television. Stormy- I just watch it to clock my new markets. I'm less interested in what other people do than what I am doing myself. I don't spend much time at the tube. Donald- we both make financial use of the tube, Stormy. Whenever I feel a little stress there's nothing like watching a National Geographic programs about something like a duck billed platypus until I fall asleep. Stormy- You wouldn't like Angels In Therapy. All the actors are on a diet. (She turns off the television set.) I'm sorry that idiot evangelist gave you such a moment of even mild misery. I'd offer you a drink but you don't like liquor.     Have a seat. I respect a man who has the courage to get though life sober. Donald- Thanks. It's been a while, no? Since I'm a social guy I've turned down a lot of booze while I drink bottled coca cola. It seems to grease American commerce. Sobriety isn't the American genius. I might like it too much.     My brother died of lapping down good whiskey. It was the best liquor in the world too. I keep away from what might do me in too. You remember you said sometimes I lacked caution? I have more of it than anyone might think. Stormy- I have thought that maybe you aren't all that ambitious. Maybe I'm not either. All we want is money. Donald- What do you mean? I turned several million dollars into a few hundred billion dollars. Wouldn't you think that takes making a few perilous moves in life? Believe me, when you are among the people that have that kind of cash they are always looking to break you in two. Stormy- They aren't anyone you can trust though, I'd think. Donald- Trust! These folks are tigers who eat other tigers. They would kill each other for a nickel. Stormy- I don't think I'd be happy in their company. You are. Donald- Do you think I should hang out with bums? Would you like me to go to dives, sit in a bar talking about the t-v stars and drinking ginger ale? I could do that but most of those joints don't like soft drinks; they don't have a clientele who stays sober and values sobriety all that much. Stormy- One things about a bartender versus a psychiatrist; even if the guy serving booze is a rat you at least get to drink a bit of beer. Donald- Let the barflies all get stoned in their dumps. I don't blame them. Maybe they're better off sailing through life on an alcoholic cloud.     Some clouds are fluffier than others, Stormy. Maybe my brother Fred was right to turn into a lush who pissed in his pants.    Stormy- I know too many people who took that route. Donald, There are a lot of gaudy boulevards but they all lead into the sea. Donald- It's what you do on the way to the bottom of the ocean to be nibbled at by the carp that makes anybody say it was worth the dive into the salt water. Stormy- What is that matter with that lamp in the corner? It seems to be flicking weirdly. Donald- It's just the hotel video recording device on the bum. It's installed by Yakashima of Kyoto. It usual works well for about ten year before it breaks down.  Stormy- You mean we're being taped? Donald- Only by Japan. They want to know things about us to take their markets profitable. It's no different than why you watch television. Stormy- Well, I have nothing to hide from the Japanese or anybody else in Kyoto. Donald- They run it on their own people too. They say it facilitates their production lines. Everybody gets what they want. Don't worry about it.   Stormy- I guess Yakashita is respectable. One has to know who or what might be dangerous. Donald- Didn't you say you might surprise me? That scares me a little, Stormy.  Stormy- I know you don't like to be bothered by the unknown. Nobody does; I understand that. We all like a competent but not overly imaginative plumber, wife and bunch of kids. Then we get what we get. Donald- I never got what I want either. Nobody but one of my go-fers ever asked me what I really wanted on a pizza, Stormy. They should know. I am predictable, fairly transparent.     It's always a choice of pepperoni, onions, sausage, green pepper slices and maybe a few choice shitake fungoids. Nobody ever says to me: wouldn't you really like eggplant or a slice of avocado?     That's okay. I don't want to think too much about a whole lot of people and things in my life. It's easier to put up with them. Stormy- Even if they bring you plain cheese? Donald- I don't know. Nobody in my entourage thinks I want plain cheese. Stormy- If you don't tell them how do they know what you want?  Donald- They don't. They only know if they're lucky what they want. They hope maybe it's what I want too.  Stormy- Sounds familiar. Do you think anybody asks me about what I really want to do in bed, Donald?  Donald- I don't know. I guess some things you do bring in more money. Stormy- They do. Believe me, it's always the same damn things. Donald- Then I guess nothing you do will surprise me all that much. Stormy- You don't like surprises. I hope not. Donald- Maybe that's why there are only seven deadly sins. The real ability to take up evil are hidden by seven little misdemeanors. Is that what you talk abut on the set, Stormy? Stormy- No, we just try to get the damn job done. We're mostly ready to make our way to a funky diner and relax with a few cocktails. Donald- You don't talk about your work? Stormy- What is there to talk about? I guess we could talk about it for a while. After three weeks it'd be a pretty stale conversation.     What is that flickering on the clock on the table?  More machines from Yakashima? Donald- No, that's Wanatabe. They're Yakashima's competitor. They're on the other wide of Japan. They claim they can red the market better. Nobody knows who's better between these two. Stormy- Well, I guess we have a choice between Yakashima and Wanatabe. Which one is the lady or the tiger? It seems to me they're both exotic Japanese tigers.  Donald- What if the door opens and it's not a lady or a tiger but something else? Stormy- What might that be? Just Yakashima or Wanatabe?        Donald- Whatever it is, it will instantly make us very alert. We might be better off with an old tiger taking a snooze. Stormy- Maybe that's why old men like you like sleeping with young women. We haven't had time enough as adults to be any kind of tiger even if we're a lady.       Donald- You think older women are more interesting. Stormy? Maybe they are. You know why oldsters with a few bucks like me like young girls? We like to play with their bodies. We leaned how to do that making mud pies.     Some of us are not all that bright. We can understand the enameled surface of a well made body whether it's a car or a bunny. Sometimes you can even pour perfume over a beautiful corpse.  Stormy- You aren't a necrophiliac, are you? Donald- No. I've never much been interested in the dead. What can I sell them? Nothing. What does a cadaver have to bring to me? Cash? Flesh?     Nothing. The past, even last week, is dead, Stormy. Yesterday's people have nothing to tell use. Stormy- Well, at least your disinterest in them should protect them all from you.    Donald- You think the dead haunt the living. I say, sometimes the living can haunt the dead if they aren't quite dead enough. They don't want to.      Stormy- What do you mean? Donald- Aren't there things you'd like to say to people in your past? Stormy- I thought I had something to say to them once. Now I realized I don't. I might have a few things I want to say to the living. Donald- That's why I'm here. You know when anybody works with me I have them sign a contract of non-disclosure everything I do with anybody else is done in private. Stormy- Trouble is, those contacts aren't rally, legal, Donald. you can't sign away your right of free speech. Donald- My lawyers can make anything legal. They could bring back slavery. I have lawyers who can make us an English colony again. Stormy- Maybe you have. Still we might all be working in a complex hotel. Donald- Yeah, I call it voluntary slavery. People are always free to sell themselves anyway they choose. It usually comes after they give up on romance. Passion puts more people into harness than guns. Stormy- You never felt love for anybody? Donald- I'm not sure. Sometimes that you think might be love is a bat case of heartburn. It could be pure hunger. Stormy- Hunger does a lot of good things for some very hungry people. Donald- Yeah, I'm some kind of successful warrior against Nature; I never missed a meal. Let me say this, when you live in a country where the managers have lots of money and only want to make more money, you wonder whether there is anything to be passionate about at all.     You ought to know, Stormy. After all you sell a travesty of it. Sometimes I think you might be out too blackmail me for more money than I've thrown you in passing to put your signature on that paper. Stormy- You mean the one where I agree to shut my mouth if nothing else? Donald- Yeah. One of my lawyers calls it a case of indentured servitude of the lips. I can understand that very well. I'm vulnerable in a way I never was to you and to a few other people. Stormy- You mean I'm not the only one you were sleeping with while your wife was pregnant. Donald- Maybe. There wasn't an army of them. I'm not sure how many there were. Most of them were Playboy Bunnies. I was in Chicago a lot that year building hotels.  Stormy- You can't put up a hotel and make love casually at the same time? I guess you're not that kind of fancy acrobat. Donald- Yeah, there were quite a few others. Some of them meant more to me than just as pleasant evening but not too many.     I appreciate youth and freshness in everything. Why shouldn't I have it if I can afford it? Stormy- No reason, honey. You should have all the pleasure money can buy. Donald- I have had it.     I never forced anyone to go to bed with me either. A little money was exchanged; it should have made everybody happy.     I figure anybody who becomes a Bunny and got in to the Centerfold had to sleep with thousands of guys to get there. I wasn't wrong. Then, after I looked at the Centerfolds I always knew what I was getting.  Stormy- Did you? Donald- Not quite. Photographs I'm sorry to say can be very flattering. Stormy- Photographs don't walk and talk. You have to deal with their personality when you invite them over for a trial rendezvous. Donald- Not much, kid. I keep that side of my love life minimal, always have. I'm cordial, generous, and never argue with any of these women.     I don't pretend I'm something I'm not either. I know they can all do better than sleeping with an old man. Stormy- Maybe that's not true. At least you know what they wanted. You gave it to them. It's the art of the deal. Donald- Sort of. When you make a deal with a woman you better be ready for her lawyers when it fizzles.  Stormy- I don't blame anybody. Most young men don't have any idea what they are looking for in an affair. When they find out they wonder why they gave it such constant and intense attention in the first place.  Donald- Let's get down to business. I'm here because after you signed a contract of non-disclosure with my lawyer and took 130,000 dollars from me though him you reneged and tread to sell you story to the Enquirer later.     Luckily the publisher is a long time pal of mine. Then you went on television to talk about our little very unimportant to both of us erotic moment in the sack. Stormy- Well, I've changed some science I signed that illegal piece of paper, Donald. Like the right of free speech. I don't want to be fettered by any promises to keep silent about anything. I will only tell the truth. I will never say you and I were passionate lovers or that sleeping together meant anything to either of us. Donald- that might be worse than saying we did if for love. Stormy- Maybe. We aren't the same people who had a quick one while we were discussing my appearance on a reality show that never happened. You dangled a few proposals that envier came through. We both can do that. I'm a millionaire now; I don't need your cash. Of course everything is better with a little more money, even dropping dead.  Donald- Could be. They tell me even eating spinach spaghetti is the pits when you're broke. Stormy- We've changed, Donald. You have a voting base that doesn't like what a tomcat you are. That might alter how we look at our own past. As you say; last week has come and gone. Donald- Yeah, so much for history. What a beautiful speech. I should have put you on my show.     I'm not all that much of a tomcat, Stormy. JFK was a whoremonger and constant adulterer, Clinton wasn't any different. You can't compare me to John kennedy, Martin Luther King and that son of a bitch Clinton. Stormy- I never would do that, Donald. You are a singularity. Donald- I never lied to my wife either. She always knows I must elsewhere when I am not around. Maybe she get lonely but there are worse things in life than having a billion dollars to spend and nobody to tell you how to spend it. I'm in that situation myself most of the time; I know. Story- I guess I only know how it feels to be free when freedom comes from having a few million myself in the bank. Since you have billions maybe you know a few things I don't know. Donald- Maybe I do. You just chow down with some of the best tigers in town. The ladies of course tend to be sparse. I've never been a lover.     You know, the best thing a woman or woman can do with they are intimate with somebody is put themselves in front of their lover honestly and directly, then say, honey, take it or leave it.     It's easier for them if you mean it, if you're committed to them in some real way. Stormy- I wouldn't know what to say if I heard that even from a stray dog. Donald- It's harder on any woman if you tel them you are going to be a rambling man for the rest of your life. At least they know what they are getting. You're like a hamburger, not astounding but reliable.     I give that. Every women knows I'm a serious crumb.  Stormy- A lot of women will take it. They even like it. They know a guy who is going to be elsewhere isn't going to get in their way all that much. I've been there. You start your own life. Hopefully nobody catches anything from anybody. Donald- We've all been there. Maybe I've been tiger for some people. I do take what they offer me. It's might end up being a choice of a senile lion or a cougar. Stormy- Why would you want me to shut up at all, Donald? In your circles you'd be praised for sleeping with me and people like me. Donald- They're all a bunch of sleepy tigers look for a quick one form  some beautiful moron. Stormy- They're much worse than that. The don't have the sense to know they're natural criminals. Donald- My own situation has changed as you say, Stormy, some of the people know are talking about me running for President. It used to be a rich man's joke; now it's not just talk.     They want to create a bankroll to get me elected to run this country. Stormy- Why? They can't get a Bush? Donald- These Bushes might be getting tired of being Bushes. I see them all as low energy.  Stormy- The speculators can't find any cover story than you that's a little more seemingly on the up and up? Donald- They have millions of those clowns. Ivy League recruits like the Clinton and Obama; lots of poorboys. They've got a whole system of that honorable vaudeville. Now they want to make a move outside the political major leagues. No more Harvard, Yale, the Fulbright grant, the year in England, the small state unobtrusive governorship or being the senator who's always out of town having a lot to say when a camera is around but never really has to manage or understand anything. Stormy- That's the burlesque we've all been looking at. It works. Why the hell do they want you? Donald- I seem to them to be the outsider they feel could represent the right wing people who feel they have been left out of the American mix lately. Maybe it's the wrestling cameo appearances.     Maybe I can do it. They think a guy with a formal criminal background is just what some groups of angry people would like to vote for. If not me, they will be looking to Chuck Norris and Steven Segal. Stormy- I've got it. Still you're not relay a criminal, Donald; you play at it. Donald- That's true. Stormy- I know real criminals, they go to jail sometimes, they murder people, they have people murdered, they run all of the strip joints I ever worked at.     They floated the money for my porno films too. You're an amateur. Donald- Yeah, so are you as a lover. I agree. I'm looking though the window at a department store. It's not what I am, Stormy; it's what I could appear to be if I ran the right campaign.       I am sort of a dilettante crook, I admit. I run fake beauty contests, I pretend I am comatose in bogus wrestling matches. I play bad guys on reality shows. Stormy- It all doesn't speak for you? Donald- It's all electronic make believe, no question. Still the blue collar public in food stamps would like to see somebody like me get a chance to sit in the White House if they can't get a wrestler or an actor.     I'm the kind of Playboy lecher they want to be. After they see me fake a reality show they are sure I resonant with them and can sole their economic problems. Stormy- What the hell is this voting base out in the sticks so unhappy about? They get paid off with enough bucks by the government, don't they? Donald- You get used to a diet of steady bribes no matter how much it is after three years. The poor slobs feel unloved, unappreciated.     Why do they show up to watch you strip or sleep with people in your films? What dodos any of that gaudy crap mean to them? They don't like their life, Stormy. They want to be connected to something else, anything, even a fantasy. Stormy- Well, all crumbs like that ever embrace in the end is the bottom of a glass. Donald- It's better than nothing. That's their choice. They can get me elected President, they I will fill my administration with people I know, mostly speculators and a few generals, and we will dish up something else besides these dumb leaders from the Ivy League recruit we've been getting lilt. Stormy- I'd rather have leader who's a moron. I never have to follow him.      Donald- stormy, these people are afraid of their own triviality so I'm going to promise them greatness, Stormy. I ripped off millions of bucks with my Trump University because people thought if they just had a few tips they would be rich like me.       Why the hell did they think that? They couldn't bear being the love life terrible creeps they were. Stormy- How would you know about them? You're a billionaire. Donald- That means I know all about corrupt losers on the ordinary take. These slobs are arrogant though. They think it's okay for some Chinese slave to work for them to make them pleasantly tired if not happy. They show up in church every week all right; they are filled with contempt for people. Stormy- That's terrible. Donald- Of course they don't admit it. Stormy- You want to run a country of people of slobs and bums like that? What the hell are you going to do to make these crumbs happy? Donald- Nothing. They will never be satisfied. Then maybe some of the people who are backing me now will come up with another boob like myself from the Navahos to lead them in another direction. Stormy- Don't you have a lot of fancy rivals when you run for President that are just as tigerish as you are, Donald? Donald- You'd think so, wouldn't you? Who's out there that could challenge me? The Clinton are a bunch of redneck thieves. Bill Clinton got disbarred and impeached; he should have gone to jail for perjury too.     Other people with few or no friends do sit in the slammer for less. You think that sleepy creep Jeb Bush is going to be the third Bush to be in the White House? People are tired of any kind of damned Bush.      I think I can make it. Nobody is really opposing me. My rivals are a few marginal people whose politics makes them rat poison to everyone else.  Stormy- Maybe nobody wants to be President but you.  Donald- You think I'm nuts; maybe I am, Stormy. I have thought I could do some things for America that might make me be remembered sort of like George Washington or Abraham Lincoln if they were both hotel keepers and pimps. Stormy- What is flickering I see in the lamp in the ceiling? Maybe this whole hotel is going to burn down. Donald- No, that's just Yagaputra. Don't worry about it. It's an electric perk given all their guests by the hotel. It's an anti- depressant sort of noise, not erectly music. You experience Yagaputra.     What you have to look out for is Abasaki. They will take our lovemaking and package it to everybody in Japan and points east. Abasaki is aggressive. They have virtual reality machines that can make them feel as if they are either you or me. Stormy- Thanks for the warning. Donald- I like you. I'm here, Stormy because it's Clair that for some reason you're mad at me.  Stormy- I didn't like the way your lawyer gave me the money. He was polite but dismissive. I was very upset when a man he hired some gunnel to theater me I could be killed if I were too talkative. I don't like being pushed and muscled, Donald.     I worked hard in porno to make sure nobody was ever going to treat me like a cockroach. It didn't happen right away either. Donald- I'll bet. There are a whole lot of strippers and candidates for porno films out there. They're less talented but they might be more connected.  Stormy- those kind of porno stars are born every day. When I'm working in films I'm the one who runs the innovative hustle on other people. Donald- All right, you're somebody. Maybe since you're almost a celebrity you want more money. Good. Tell me how much, Stormy. When you give me the magic figure I might even double it. I just need you to keep quiet at least still I am out of office. Forget about the piece of paper. Stormy- You did have your lawyer try to muscle me. Donald- Wouldn't you? I could say you aren't making Melania or my kids very happy. You might be injuring a lot of people. That wouldn't bother you, I would imagine. Stormy- Donald, I wasn't the one who was in position to try to protect those people including your wife; you were. You didn't do it. You didn't even look out for your kids. They ave to feel some shame. You were very incautious.     Believe me, I would be the only porno star or Playboy bunny talking abut you one day if not another. Donald- You and the rest of them can't prove anything. You can only talk. I will say it never happened; that will be he end of it. Stormy- I doubt it. Maybe it happened but it wasn't worth remembering. A lot of things that are forgettable do happen. Donald- Maybe I wasn't quite as much a candidate for oblivion in your life as you say. Stormy. We almost had a mildly good time. We were always cordial. Stormy- I can get that kind of treatment in an airport. I get a lot of friendliness from a lot of people. I can't say I remember them all or even one of them. Donald- Well then why don't we forget it altogether? Let's say it happened but it didn't happen. Stormy- Sleeping with you one night in the past hasn't changed, Donald; we've changed. I never sent my lawyer to shut you up, did I? Donald- I'm glad you didn't. You're not running for President. You don't have to make deals with astral travelers from Montana. Otherwise I would have been told the world you had done it. It wouldn't have ruined your reputation. Stormy- Still you didn't talk to me. You sent your lawyer. That's insulting, Donald. Donald- I tell my lawyer to do a lot of shady things. Don't take it personally. Maybe I should have talked to you personally. Maybe I should have gotten you that reality show job.  Stormy- You have that son of a bitch pay off a lot of people. Don't any of them feel they've been muscled? I'll beat they all do. Donald- Maybe. Money makes people polite; it is also muscle. I sure as hell made it worth their while to feel a little pain from a gentle hammerlock. Look, what's the difference between a little visit from a lover with a suitcase full of cash and an ordinary job nobody wants to do where the employees are paid off at the end of the week? Stormy- None. Donald- Do they take umbrage when they get the paltry steady checks? No, they show up to do the same damned thing next week. That's business as usual all over America. If you don't have that going for you, you re probably on food stamps, drinking cheap wine, watching daytime game shows. Stormy- I don't have that kind of life if you've noticed. Donald- All right, you were insulted. I apologize. Now can we have a deal between us on a handshake or even another night in the hay we don't talk about forever? Stormy- If I feel like talking I am going to talk, Donald. That's my first amendment right.  Donald- Don't talk to me about law. I'd like to settle this one way or another. Stormy- It's too late for that now. When you called me the first time I should have been suspicious of you. You do not have a great reputation for honesty even among criminals I know. People high in the Mafia told me you were not a man of honor.     They have a higher standard of honor than most politicians of course. I talked to my lawyer. I've got a good one. When we got to where we are we all have to have good ones, tigers, don't we? Donald- It's might be the only sign of success. Stormy- He told me to wear a wire or set up some hidden camera in the room the first time you showed up. I put one under the lamp. Donald- You taped me the first time when I showed up? Stormy- Donald, I'm not as stupid as you think. I was wired the whole time you were here. That camera was humming way quietly. That's why I went to the rest room to make sure the audio wire was on. Donald- Then even before you met me you were ready for blackmail.             Stormy- Maybe. What were you ready for? Buying me on the hoof like a porker at a state fair? Which of us is more of a viper? I don't even claim I'm ethical.     I give people what they want; then they live with the consequences of wanting it and getting it. I don't need or want your money anymore, Donald. Donald- Still, you'll take it though. I can see what you're up to, Stormy. Slow steady blackmail. Stormy- I haven't ask you for money ever. I never turn down money. I am rich, Donald. I don't have to blackmail anyone. I am not some desperate middle aged tramp at the bottom who needs to lie, cheat, manipulate and smile when I feel if anything at all a pure indifference.     I'm not like the women who have to embrace strangers when they are broke or near broke. I can be an honest slut if I want. Maybe I always was. It's my business. Even as a kid being truthful was always my real ambition. Donald- What interest have you got in exposing me. Stormy? You don't need my money? I certainly never lead to you either. I never tricked you once or ever dismissed you. What kind of revenge do you want from somebody who probably treat you better than most people? Stormy- Well, you never gave me syphilis, Donald, it wasn't good enough. Donald- You know violence is the great equalizer in this world. That guy who threatened you may be out to do you in one day for all you know. You haven't got enough body guards to stop all of them and people like him either.     Besides you don't want to live in an armed fortress. You like your invisibility. Storm- If anything happens to me your performance as a lover and otherwise is not only on a CD and is located in five different vaults in the banks of the world but in the virtual reality machines of Robuku. One of the CDs is in the hands of my lawyer. You don't want it released. It's not that its reveling; it's that it's boring. Donald- Did you ever think that I might have had a wire too when I came to see you way back when? Maybe I'm wearing one now. Stormy- Maybe I'm wearing one too. Maybe the floor lamp is a camera. Maybe Robuku Of Kyoto is selling our lovemaking to people in Bangkok. Do you want to go over our clothes with metal detectors to see who had what hidden in their socks? Donald- No. Still I assume if you had a wire the first time you are a wired this time too. Stormy- You will never know. In our circles that's a smart way of thinking. Donald- If I searched you I might find fake wires. It would be easy to fake a wire. I say a lot of things on realty shows that somebody could take out of contest and make any interesting but very different conversation with if he were clever enough. Stormy- That's true. Donald- One could do the same even more easily with our porno films. We could have two separate versions of what happened. Though currently I'm saying publicly that nothing happened. Is this all really worth it? Stormy- Maybe not. Donald- Why don't we tear up that piece of paper, I'll have my lawyer put a million bucks in a vault you never have to declare to the IRS and we can forget about all this stupidity. Stormy- We'd still keep the wires. We might change our minds next week.  Donald- You know, maybe we're just creeps. We betrayed each other even from the first minute. We never loved each other, we never even liked each other but we were pretty efficient at betrayal. Stormy- You couldn't call it betrayal if we never trusted each other in the first place. A really quick one, Donald, is never quite treachery. Donald- Yeah, what was there on the table from in either of us to trust? Stormy, I never claimed to be trustworthy.     I've run a lot of rackets in my time. I've been a pimp, I created Trump University to teach people how to be rich and I've been a professional wrestler. What would anybody expect from me? Do they think they're talking to Jesus?     Can you image the mentality of boobs that thinks they can learn to be wealthy? If people know how to steal a nickel they would keep it to themselves. I cheated a lot of people. I didn't pay workers who built some of my hotels.     Let them sue me. I've been tomcatting on my waives my whole life. l treated a lot of other people much worse than you, believe me. Stormy- I believe you. Why were you worried when you came to see me that day? You weren't looking to beat me out of money. Donald- Big penetrations everywhere. Russia, China, Pakistan It's nothing personal. I'm always wired, Stormy. I'm waiting for them. Ifs just an old habit. you never know when somebody wants to sue you for things you said or did that you maybe didn't do or say but it doesn't matter. Truth is whatever hotel crowd or the damned voting base believes.     They're like two religions, one of which wants room service. Stormy- That's not why I was wired that night, Donald. I'm a reflective person; I try to keep a record of my life that I can mull over when I need to make sense of what seems like riddles. Of course if it turns out I can get a few bucks from the wire that's okay too. Donald- You're a deep one. You still want to make sense of your life. Stormy- Maybe I want to leave a record of it for my daughter. She's going to have lot of explaining to do about who her mother and father might have been. Donald- Who was the father? Stormy- I don't know. Some hick bum. Anybody in the United States can have a few dollars and an erection. Donald- You think she'll pour over these tapes one day looking for answers? Stormy- I don't know. Maybe she won't care one way or another. Donald- She might care very much. Stormy- What are you going to do with your tapes? Give them to a college to lock them into a subcellar as your intellectual estate? Donald- I might do that too. mostly I give it to Michael Cohen, my lawyer who's an old buddy. He'll put them in a vault somewhere. Maybe they'll be read by reptilian ales in the future. Stormy- You don't want your kids to study them, I glues. Donald- Are you kidding? The past is only good enough for whiners in therapy or professors. I might study my wife's tapes. You haven got any videos of us making love, have y? Stormy- Yeah, I might. I did put a camera into the wall when I said I was freshening up in the restroom that day. Did you make any videos of us, do you? Donald- I make sure the hotel makes videos of everything I do in it. I am after all in the Hotel Hall Of Fame. They don't offer that to their clientele generally. It's all put into a super computer somewhere, managed in a space station orbiting around the moon. They churn the information up there for reasons I don't really understand. I think they're hired by car manufacturers or the electrical campaigns. I have no idea what their motives are. I'd trust Abasaki more. They're the kings of virtual reality. People who want to know about us will have to fly to Bangkok. Stormy- In Dallas we have rogue detectives, some from Panama, who place a video buy in your room and look it over later for blackmail. Some of them are Mexicans from Puebla; others are Canadians and a few Uzbekis; a few of them are Russians and Ukrainians. Donald- I've heard there are little UFO aliens who run those little machines too. Stormy- It might be the Russians. Don't they lake to spy on people? My maid is a Russian. She might be working for Russia. Donald- It might be the East and West Koreans. Stormy- There are no East and West Koreas; there's only North and South Korea, Donald. Donald- That's what you're told, kid. I know insiders who say there is only East and West Korea. Stormy- Maybe they're right; how would I know? What's the difference to me anyway? Donald- It might show up sometimes in the noodles. I'm not even sure there is any kind of Korea. A country like Korea would be easy to fake. Stormy- You can fake anything. It's my business. Donald- I would have preferred something else than the choices we have sometimes. People envy me, I know. Otherwise they wouldn't sign up to be part of a college training them how to be like me. Yet what do I do that they don't do. I eat fast food, watch television, do a little carnal dance with a local bunny here and there and think maybe I am surrounded by fools on all sides and maybe I ought to be President. It's one more watershed, just a hotel. I wish I had more imagination, stormy. When I think of being rich, I play golf. That's not startling creative. I guess if I were a Black guy from the ghetto I'd be playing basketball. Stormy- There are worse things out there than playing basketball. You aren't going to try to make me feel sorry for you, are you? Donald- No. That would be silly, wouldn't it? Nobody should ever pity either of us, stormy. We are after all at the top of this country. We're the best we've got. Some people say I'm ruing it with like a whorehouse; it doesn't matter who runs a hotel. Stormy- You give people work. Donald- Nobody wants to work. We give pleasure a bad name but in the end we have to face the same run of channels as some crumb in a dump or the poorhouse. Beyond me and you laboring to manage hotels and porno the fare is very bare stuff. Stormy- We're lucky. We all might be poor. Donald- Would you like to have a quick one in the bedroom? I might have a few more surprise for you this time. Stormy- I don't think so. You're here on business. I know it's not my business; in what I do if the big cameras aren't rolling sometimes it's a total disaster. Donald- Do you think the small cameras aren't out there? Maybe from Russia or china? Maybe from Hell? They're embedded in every amp and piece of furniture in this place. They're taping us, whoever or whatever is out there. It's all going up to a super computer in the sky somewhere for maybe intense robot amusement. Who knows what the hell a robot finds worth its time? Stormy- You're right. Let those astral robots revel away. I'm used to having a public life. It sure as hell gives you a truckload of barnacles, doesn't it, Donald? Donald- I guess my lawyer will talk to your lawyer. Stormy- Is that the way they do it in various astral places according to your guy from Montana? I guess even a dump like Haiti must have a lot of lawyers. Donald- Even in Haiti the lawyers are all tigers. I like tigers. That's all you meet when you go into politics anyplace. It's all jungle philosophy, stormy. There's nothing more pathetic in the wildness than a senile tiger. Stormy- Maybe we need more people in government who are dentists. Donald- You think they're tooth mechanics are the last defranchised class in America? Maybe. Stormy- I never heard of a dentist who was all that corrupt. What can they steal? Donald- Whatever it is, they're stealing it. Moot people do grab the swag from the till just to stay even. Stormy- Maybe we need a drug to make us less corrupt. Or a new species. Donald- Ever wonder how we got there, Stormy? We all started as babies once. Stormy- I know how I got here, Donald. I decide to give the world what they wanted. Donald- So did I. They all wanted a hotel. Stormy- Maybe we had too many candied illusions as kids. Did you believe in Santa Claus? Donald- Santa Claus, Superman, never Jesus. I have to lie in a world without all of them though. I didn't mind either. When you don't have any friends at the North Pole or champions in Heaven you know you've got to take care of yourself. Santa helped me to be mature. Stormy- I hope Superman did you the same favor. Donald- He made me think how I[ d like to be running a country populated by armies of guys like Clark Kent. Stormy- Jesus loves everybody. He's like me. Donald- I don't trust him. Can you imagine me loving my enemy? Sometimes I give the sons of bitches what they hope for. That really does them in. Stormy- Pimping is okay if yore comfortable with it. Sometimes ambition kills you. Donald- When you're running a huge whorehouse, beating people out of money with pitches about how you can make them rich, and hitting on Playboy bunnies at least you can define yourself as somebody who chose the tiger rather than the lady but is willing to wrestles with the toothy beast a little. I am comfortable with the tiger. Say, what time is it? Stormy- Why? You're a statesman now. Do you have a covert appointment with somebody from the United Nations? Download- No. If I did, who the hell but crooks is in the United Nations? I'd be having a caviar feast with some rich serial killer's brother in law. I don't want to miss a horror movie I've been waiting to see on t-v for weeks, The Revenge of the Fungoids. you get to see a lit of tits of Jennifer Harrison. She's got a lot of it to show. I think I might want to ball her someday. I wouldn't know whether she's available. She might be a Lesbian. She might like dogs. I don't run dog beatty contests. I'm a canine ignoramus; to me all dogs look alike. Stormy- You sure must like that show. I think Gonophore Harrison once worked for me. Donald- Well, it's stupid stuff but I can't get enough of it, it seems. I think tis done by South Korean animators. It really isn't Jennifer Harrison. Maybe there is no Jennifer Harrison. It's just a Superman dream on the mind of some idiot from West Korea. Still I'm into it. Maybe I want to be one of the Fungoids. Stormy- Donald, you may be a lot of things. You're just not a Fungoid. You'll never be a Fungoid. Donald- Maybe not. Would you like to make love in a swimming pool? Stormy- Not really. Do you like sex in deep water? Donald- No, but we couldn't be wearing wires if we were in a pool butt naked. Stormy- There'd still be video cameras looking down at us from the ceiling. Donald- Yeah. Maybe there might even be some minnows in the pool who were robots. Everything including a porcelain toilet can be treacherous. Sometimes phony paganize fly into my conference rooms at Trump Tower. Are even pigeons really pigeons? Maybe not. (He moves to turn on the television set.) This damned thing doesn't work. Goddamn it, even the machines in this fancy hotel are starting to rot. What the hell are we all going to do when they all get rusty and fall apart? Stormy- Aren't your cufflinks a bit of wire? I saw devices like when I toured the Oxamide factory where I got my Dick Tracy anklet bracelet. Donald- Yeah, Oxamide ought to do a better job of varying their merchandise. Maybe different colors. Stormy- I threw it away. Dick Tracy isn't real either. Donald- You know, I know how to beat them. I may not be Donald Trump. Storm- You sure as hell look like him. Donald- Donald Trump is an icon who can't be everywhere. It has occurred to me to have four or five lookalikes showing up as Donald Trump at the less important functions I preside aver like opening rose gardens. I let my doubles do that. Stormy- What's the difference whether you're the real Donald Trump or not? It doesn't make any difference to you. Donald- Let them guess whether I'm real. Stormy- I might not be quite real either, Donald. I've had a lot of lookalikes working for me in porno scenes that I don't think are that important. Donald- Well, whoever we are, let's go to bed. Stormy- I don't think so. Donald- Goddamn it, I m Donald Trump and I can't even get quick one from a porno queen. Stormy, you are very parsimonious. Stormy- Let's watch television. I think the set in the bedroom is working. Just remember, no sex. Donald- I can do that with my wife. Oh God, would my friends laugh at me if I told them I couldn't even get to hump a porno star. All right, it's time for the fungoids. You ever want to be a fungoid or a President? You could represent women better than Hillary. Stormy- I may be doing that already, Donald. Mind if I freshen up in the restroom? Donald- Not at all. Don't turn the hand dryer on. It's pure Aquosity. Stormy- At least it's not Roubuku. Or Wanatabe. Donald- You know I was thinking, we could go to Bangkok and try those new Abasaki virtual reality machines. We could pretend we were ourselves. Stormy- I'm beyond that, honey. I don't have to pretend anything anymore. Donald- That could narrow your range of actions for survival. (Exit Stormy. Donald Trump sings.) Trump's Credo When I drive it's in a Cadillac car When I make love it's with a porno star When I eat it's a triple big whopper Diet coke for the proper topper. I'm a businessman with shadowy credit I want to know what I get when I get it. I look for a model when I want a lover Some Bunny in Centerfold I don't want ever to discover She's ugly or looks too old. I watch lots of game shows you see on the tubes Maybe this crap is for morons and boobs. When you sit in a chair you can get hog fat. Still I say to myself: hey, I can do that. I'm a businessman with shadowy credit I want to know what I get when I get it. I think it's funny that women want money; What the hell can a fat wad do? You don't know your friends while your lover spends More of your money than you. Real estate, boys, is whatever is real We can make a hellova deal; My checks might be a little short. I might be lying; see you in court. I'm a businessman with shadowy credit I want to know what I get when I get it. (Exit Donald.) The End