NELLY'S FIRST CHAP

I am very puffed up and far advanced in goodness.
Sometimes I live an imaginary existance
where I am better and happier than in real life.
I do not thrust myself forward but prefer
to take a step to either side, out of view.
An invitation to have dinner with a friend
causes an anguish in me that's hard to define.

What a tender thing I was as a young man,
how for all my swagger, a whisper , as I passed
a group of strangers, could turn my heart to dust.
Even though I took no interest in absurdity,
absurdity seemed to take an interest in me.
Sometimes I do some of my little childish jumps
or a bit of swooning, by way of illustration.

My relations with women, somehow had to endure
frank discussions, endless pointless talk, weighing of guilt
and innocence, reproaches and nagging letters.
I have an infinite capacity for delusion
and staying hopelessly awake, staring
at my future, which is practically behind me.
Our morning lacked promise Nelly, our evenings too.

A supermassive black hole the size of one billion
suns was hurled out of its parent galaxy today.
I was just hoping for a pang. This might be a pang...
I hope that it is; not just the humiliating
grief of being in love or not being in love.

                           tony dash