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SUICIDE WATCH

Tired of cheap knock-offs
of popular brands that break
down before you do?
Now you can go out in style
at half what you’d expect to
pay with the stunning
suicide watch. Sturdy gold-
plated casing comes
personalized with up
to twenty characters at no
additional charge
for easy I.D. The sleek,
adjustable razor-
steel wristband fits every
size & never pinches. Self-
winding, it keeps on
ticking even when you’re not
around. Shockproof: Bang!
It withstands close range gunfire
intact with nary a scratch.
Waterproof: we’ve left
the suicide watch soaking
in this bathtub for
one week to show it stands up
to even the worst abuse.
Toss a toaster in—
the watch still works! No other
watch offers a life-
time guarantee, no questions
asked, even if “accidentally”
dropped from the Sky-
way Bridge or Willis Tower.
You may not survive,
but the suicide watch will
or your money back. Month, day,
& date are displayed
conveniently on the face, pale
as that of the grim
one himself, depicted on
the illuminated dial,
the hood of his robe like a noose.
Look! His left hand grasps a long
scythe that tracks your last minutes, his right points a bony
finger at the hour
when your time is up. Act now
& we’ll include a second watch
absolutely free.
It makes the perfect gift for
that special someone
on your death wish list. But this
is a limited time offer,
so don’t delay.


  Matt Morris