The Saga of Suleiman
Suleiman, prize-horse, thoroughbred stallion,
Grandest of all in the Czar’s battalion,
Portly and proud as a Spanish galleon—
A Trojan horse amongst horses.
Suleiman was a most learned steed:
The filthiest terms in three tongues he could read;
Some French, some German, some Russian, indeed,
But this was his least of resources.
Suleiman was a circumcised horse;
Cleanest of all in the Muscovy force;
Steed of St. Petersburg fame and discourse,
With his razor-cut skinless sausage.
Suleiman, circumcised prancing stud,
With a Hapsburg hoof and a Romanof thud,
Sired from the best of Lippizzaner blood,
Came to Russia by Viennese sources.
From Novgorod to Grand Kiev,
From Odessa to Peter’s nest on the Nev,
Even to the ears of the deaf and the dead
Under onion domes and crosses:
All Rossiya rumbled with the rumor thereof
Till the Empress Catherine Romanof
With the diamond jewel of her Prince Orloff
Went to see “what all this fuss is.”
Though circumcision hangs well with man
And swings much suaver than a condom can,
Don’t trim back the skin from a gelding’s glans,
If you’d care not to learn what gross is.
But Catherine here, having never seen
The circumcised state of anything—
Whether German, Russian, or in between—
Became eager as King Thutmosis.
And the sheer size of Suleiman’s shapely swell
Turned Catherine into a Jezebel,
Both empress and horse now under a spell
Of mutual hypnosis.
The Saga of Suleiman...Cont.
Catherine possessed the great gem of her rule:
200 carats of crystalline jewel
From Orloff, who was both prince and fool,
And of suitors had been her closest.
This jewel was accurst: From the Hindu God,
Sri-Ranga, it was stolen on a night ill-starred;
But Catherine attached this carbuncle hard
To Suleiman’s erect proboscis.
The bejeweled horse, at command of her voice,
Was raised and suspended by scaffold and hoist,
And the sweet rutting sweat of this beast so moist
Made the empress’s lust ferocious.
“A kingdom for a horse!” she at last exclaimed,
As gingerly, gently, down it came
And the stallion’s neigh sounded quite the same
By a miracle of symbiosis.
The two were joined and conjoined again
Moving up and down with the horse’s strain
And the creak of scaffold and the seep of stain
While men sloshed around in galoshes.
The two were joined and conjoined once more,
Up and down again till the joints were sore
And the hoists worn out and the flesh quite raw
And its sauces were reeking atrocious.
The two were joined and conjoined double-time
With a strobe effect and lightning blind:
Horse-vision, double-vision, sight-out-of-mind,
In-between the rollicking tosses.
And just as horse and woman at last
Reached the ultimate orgasm’s orgiast,
The whole mechanism of hoists collapsed
With a boom like festive explosives.
With semen awash and the Empress squashed
And workmen swamped in the man-made marsh
In a scene like something from Heironymous Bosch
Or an artist in the throes of psychosis.
The Saga of Suleiman...Cont.
The horse had sighed and neighed its last,
Its heart expired at the shock of the blast,
And the Empress’s reign was a thing of the past,
All defying diagnosis.
Before palace guards could take command,
In rode Prince Orloff with cossack band,
Sweeping down with sabre all who dared withstand
The onset of his forces.
He whacked off the penis of Suleiman,
But left behind a priceless gem—
That diamond fit for a diadem
Whose owner was in death’s thrombosis.
This penis was stuffed, sewn together, and sealed
With spices and herbs from far afield,
With truffles and with sage of the earth’s rich yield,
Steamed in chestnut-and-mushroom sauces.
Prince Orloff presided as Chef and Host
At a feast where this fetish featured most
So that Russian nobles still raise their toast
To Suleiman’s succulent sausage.
The Orloff Diamond was placed at length
In the Czar's own scepter as Twin-Eagle strength
Of an Empire which commanded one-tenth
Of the whole earth’s land resources.
But the final vengeance of the diamond’s curse
Would comprise great wars, revolutions, and worse;
And that is a tale quite beyond this verse
That is taken from the mouths of horses.