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ANTI- LETTUCE POLEMIC

Beware subversive left-over lettuce,
grand roughage of the alimentary tract
gaseous producer of badly timed farts,
that create an up-your-nose embarrassment.
as the other end sputters in a very low base
The green stuff on the plate seems to be always just there
after the burger and fries are ravenously gobbled up.
With that dead forest still on the dish
the waiter might not hustle the leafy floppiness away
to try to tempt you with sweet diabetic disasters.
That officious food monger might just leave you in peace
with that uneaten belly bloating rabbit food
filling both plate and stomach with nothing
that a real man or woman would want to eat.
But the archetypal wilted salad still loiters on the plate.
as the impatient waiter eyes your table
while calculating his next probable tip.
Hot dogs are as of yet free of those British bangers,
for what red blooded American would devour
sausages on a bed of green soggy stuff?
Besides, onions have already staked their sharp Frankfurter claim
amid mustard and oblong buns.
The more lettuce stuffed in your mouth
the less all American processed meat devoured
as those appetite saboteurs bulge our bellies
and so McDonald's might go broke
as Big Mac burgers roll downhill to bankruptcy
That's right, lettuce is unAmerican.
It will turn our economy into a soggy indigestible mush.
So do your patriotic duty and take out your plastic knives
and scrape your plate clean of those subversive 'leafings.'
And while singing Yankee Doodle root out these vegan traitors by the roots
and save your patriotic hungers for red meat, gravy, and potatoes,

  Richard Fein