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Table of Contents
THE REAL ENEMY WITHIN: INTERNAL MEMO
by RON SINGER
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL (LEAK, AND YOU'RE TOAST!) --New York White House, August 24, 2018 From: RS, Long-Term Planning Director to: Pres. DT subject: Another New Initiative
Good morning, Mr. P. The birds are tweeting, and so are we! Here’s another really big idea!
Now that the Wall is finally up, despite our difficulties replacing stoop laborers (los piscadores), why not set our sights on a group that is leeching away lots more jobs than lettuce and strawberry pickers? This time, I’m talking jobs any real American would love!
I refer to our senior citizens, whose unpaid work in many economic sectors is snatching bread from the mouths of the unemployed. The fact that seniors can do these jobs shows how easy they are. Examples: answering phones, checking library books in and out, museum guides, tutoring youth (not immigrant youth, anymore!), voter registration and poll watching (heh, heh!), handing out Bingo cards, etc.
My suggestion is simple. Let’s deport this parasitic section of the population. Not just for the jobs. As the fake press keeps crowing, many of these folks dominate the so-called “protest” matches --directed at you, Sir!
Where should we send them? Since we all have parents, many still living, we can’t just use deserts, radioactive islands, or Antarctica. May I propose, instead, the AARP (Assorted Anterior Russian Pissholes), i.e., the former Soviet “-stans,” which many of these fogeys came from, in the first place!
The plan would have humongous side benefits.
1. Financial: getting rid of millions of Medicare freeloaders would instantly close the you-know-what gap. Even if we ponied up to subsidize the salaries of the non-age impaired replacement workers, the cost would be a drop in the budgetary bucket --much less than the foreign aid grants you recently put the kibosh on.
2. Political: keeping the “temples of culture” open would placate the urban elite.
Of course, there’s an obvious snag: unlike the illegals we’re getting rid of, these folks vote. (45% of the electorate, in 2016!) Not to worry! Combining the tests required in some states for drivers’ license renewal with voter restriction tests --which we already know and love-- we could institute senior voter qualification questionnaires that would disqualify most of the old farts. Examples: Not, who was the eleventh president? What does the first amendment guarantee? (I can’t answer those, myself.) But, what is your name? (Wrong. You skipped the middle initial.) What did you have for breakfast? (Wrong: Eggs over hard.)
It might be tricky, but I bet we could key the plan to family values: “Now your senior loved ones can escape the contentious climate of our beleaguered nation.” (Get Steve back on board for this one!)In conclusion: Say the word, Sir, and I’ll set things in motion. And, if this memo is TMI,
I can shoot you a 50-word summary.
(BTW, I certainly don’t think of you as a Golden Ager, Mr. P.)
Yr Mst Fthfl Srvnt,